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9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

I'm fairly sure most of us have been there. That gut-wrenching, hot-under-the-collar feeling of hearing someone else's insensitive remarks about MI.

A lot of the time it can be our own friends and family trying to do right by us. Other times it can be people that simply just don't get it.

In this article, 9 Things not to say to someone with MI, the author, Tartakovsky, explains that many people don't know what to say because they've not learned how to respond to MI. She provides examples of nine common remarks people say and how to respond. Here's a few of them (go to link provided for full article):

“Get busy, and distract yourself.”

“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away.”

“Do you want to get better?”

For mental health blogger Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose, and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”

“Change your attitude.”

While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia, said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental illness.”

What are your thoughts? Is it best to teach others what to say? Or are we fighting a tiring battle? What are some of the insensitive remarks you've heard and how did you respond? @SCORPION I thought of this topic after reading and commenting on your post. I'd love hear your thoughts on this. Any thoughts from our active contributers @Uggbootdiva @kenny66 @Loopy @kristin @Alessandra1992 @kato @PeppiPatty?

248 replies

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In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Loopy if I had a $ for every time that has been said to me I go on a holiday and not come back.

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Sadly Peace if all with a MI had a $ for every bit of stigma we deal with we'd quickly be very well of financially!

Cheers,
Kristin

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Good for you @Uggbootdiva !

I hope you felt better after getting that off your chest! It makes me steaming-from-the-ears-furious too.

In the ed-talk you might add that for some people the drugs just simply do not work. It's the main reason I don't take meds. They either make me very sick or do nothing at all. It's made me work out a way to maintain my health without them - but I would have used them if they'd worked, especially when the depression was so crippling!

Kind regards,

Kristin

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

I was once told by a wise teacher that ' to say nothing, says something' when we don't voice our concerns when someone says something that's stigmatising.

Of course, we want to choose our battles, but I think that all those moments where people can teach others something (those that are willing to learn) that's a huge gain in challenging stereotypes.

P.S. @Uggbootdiva, would love to see that meme that you are talking about.

In response to: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hi Loopy, Cherry Bomb, Uggbovitta, Kirsten,


I've got a good friend, who's here.....making my dinner....the last few days a bit feral, and she's a good friend. And I keep it in a dialogue and it's difficult but I mindfully put myself in her position, that she's helped me with the separation of my ex husband and we play scrabble most nights......never did I feel that I would end up in the position I'm in.....on the weekend she and I had a huge argument, she is struggling with her own times of experiencing MI and I'm very present for that........but she's taken on board a lot too much......anyways, she's yelling at me for something she's imagined I've done, I told her to leave.......she swore and left. I left her a letter, she left me another, I apologised but choosing to only see the good in her.

Went to see my psychologist and collapsed over a few things that have happened, she says.....You are doing too much You don't want this situation but your working full on, your concerned about your housing, you have this situation and you need to stop, take two weeks off and just sit.
Jeepers I say, this is what my dear friend is saying but she's so negative and she's interfering in my life but if I swipe this feeling away and that away .......
golly, it's too hard.



Yes Loopy, I know what your saying.

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

just another47yr, bloody oath, if only we could merge everybodys brain , in this forum, what a power to be reckoned with. Without any professional qualifications, only life experience, we could help every poor bugger suffering from MI. I have been in situations where in conversation I have anticipated the next comment and have told that person to keep their words of wisdom to their self because "there is nothing new under the sun" I think we all need to recognise that and that we are not msomething new or strange just bloody unfortunate. I saw my shrink today so I am on a bit of a sooky downer but the posts that have come through are an inspiration that at least some of the thing I ramble o about are good for some people.

loopy. ( back to research).

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

justanother 47yr, sorry can't help myself , “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?” “Do I speak at the right time, or not? Do I speak of facts, or not? Do I speak gently or harshly? Do I speak profitable words or not? Do I speak with a kindly heart, or inwardly malicious?” buddist.

dumb loopy.

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

@CherryBomb tell me how to insert pix using the ipad version of the forum and I would do it now!

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Hey @PeppiPatty

Sorry to hear you are going through the wringer there. i can relate to having far too much going on.

I really hope you can get that 2 weeks breather!

Interesting that your psych and friend are both basically saying the same thing. It makes a huge difference when someone can offer suggestions or even advice in a straight way, without negatively loading it with some of their own baggage. It's quite a skill, hard to acquire. Sounds like your friend may have good intentions but her own struggles are gettin gin the way.

Take care, I hope something eases up soon.

Kind regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

Re: 9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

yay! finally got to a pc and can insert an image (doesn't work on ipad and phone)

Hope the bl00d doesn't disturb anyone too much.

I laughed but also went "totally" when I read it.

@lopy I hate that one, it totally invalidates everything. like you are not trying like it's all your fault like you enjoy being in that place. and if you just made an "effort" ...sigh. I'm so sorry for anyone who has had that said to them.

It's a bit like the one "have you tried you know, not having a mental illness?"

Cheers.

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