stuck and struggling

HI @averagecrow

Welcome to the forums. I'm one of the peer workers here at Sane.

This sounds like a tough situation you're experiencing. It really does sound like you will put your mental health at risk if you stay. I think staying at your friend's place is a great offer but the distance is a little offputting.
A pros and cons list is also a good idea as ultimately only you can make the decision to leave. I know for me and my mum, keeping a distance and boundaries has helped out relationship. She had a tricky upbringing and I feel she always took it out on me when I was living with her. Things are so much better that I only see her when I choose. It's so crazy that the person who is meant to provide us unconditional love is often the one to cause us so much pain.

Is there a chance you have a relative or other close friend you could stay with who is closer to your workplace?

A handy tip for when you reply is to type the @ and a drop down box will appear with my username and you can tag me so I'll see the post.

Sending warm wishes

Hanami

hi hanami. thank you for your reply.

I know it is best for me to move out, but I feel so sad about coming to terms with my family not being good for me to be around.

I do have a friend who lives a bit closer, but it would be hard to get anywhere without a car and I don't have my license. so staying w my friends parents is a better option...

again thank you for your reply and support

@averagecrow

I love crows, they seem to have pride to me ... lol maybe its their body language or something.

Getting work and having friends is a big step in launching in life. getting to work is often an issue. Not sure if you can even find yourself a cheap rental or share house closer to work. 2 adults living in a one bedder would really reduce the possibilities of basic and essential privacy for both you and your mother, and may increase the dysregulation. Getting strict with finances is also an issue.

There is an old saying about it not being a good idea to throw the baby out with the bath water. I am wondering if it can apply to older generations as well. Putting unrealistic expectations on relationships can mean we lose the potential good that is there. At some level your mother knows it is a good idea for you to move out, and if you can manage it without blame, maybe you will both feel good having more personal space and all the good things from taking charge of your own destiny, AND someone (your mum) to share the odd meal with and have a catch up with.

I had a trauma bond with my mother which is not healthy, but it is also not good to victim blame. Just makes it extra hard for everybody. Good luck with your journey ...

Hi @averagecrow , I'm sorry to hear what you're going through 😞

I agree with @hanami that moving out could help your relationship with your mother - it did for me too. Plus you say your mother's effect on your mental health is starting to affect your work.

Also, maybe if you move out, your mother might realise how toxic she is and maybe get help?

You definitely don't deserve to be treated like that.

Regarding the 2 hours travel, could you maybe use that to work on your mental health (in your mind, I mean) or read a nice book, or listen to podcasts, or otherwise use it for something nice?

If any of this isn't helpful, please just ignore it.

@averagecrow

This is my opinion.

living in a one bedroom apartment with anyone who is not your romantic partner is not viable or reasonable on a long term basis.

If you add the fact that your mother is emotionally abusive to you then that is just a recipe for total disaster.

staying with your mother will only worsen your relationship with her. Also, your home life also impacts your ability to function at work and keep your job.

I do not know about how to fix your job travel situation or whether you will need to find new employment or a closer rental to your job while you live temporarily at the new place. But one thing is for sure to me. Your mothers house is not an option and you need to leave as soon as possible.

I hope that you can find a solution that works for you. You deserve to be happy and safe. You have what it takes to get through this and find a solution that works for you.

it’s great that you have friends who are supportive to you as well.
You can do this!

Hi @averagecrow

I find some of the psychological entanglements you described are relatable to where I was at - I am still struggling to come to terms with knowing my family is not good for me to be around right now. Even today I had a good cry about it before picking myself up again.

Nevertheless moving out has been one of the best decisions I made. I also found my psychologist who asked me to do pros and cons etc weren’t particularly helpful because I can’t do pros and cons in emotionally intense situations - I recommend a helpline service like lifeline counselling for situations like this.