Challenging thoughts

Hi @Flotsam - welcome back! It seems like I haven't seen you in a while?

Thank you for reaching out. It takes a lot of bravery to reach out. I hear you have supports and a safety plan in place which is very helpful.

It seems you have such a strong awareness of what your mind is saying and what actions will be helpful/unhelpful. This in itself is so helpful in working with choices.

I hope you will find the support you are looking for on these forums.

Speak soon, tyme

@Flotsam

Hello. No it is not easy having a depressed mum or being one. I have experienced both. Maybe seeing it in more forgiving and human terms, rather than self blame could help. Opening up the conversation about what does your family look like? Kids? How long together?

I can understand why you asked his help to challenge the thoughts and why he may have found it difficult. Maybe he is too close to the situation. You have been upfront with your inner reality. Do you have any other supports ... formal or informal?

No pressure to answer, just respond as you feel best.

@Appleblossom @tyme

Thank you for your replies. I have not posted often, I read but don’t often feel brave enough to share.

I have a psychologist appointment at 10am so I do have supports, I have been working through Russ Harris’ The happiness trap which I think has helped me see the thoughts as separate to who I am, just thoughts and not must be the truth. I am really fighting the urge to make plans. So far I have been able to resist. Lots of distraction.

My family most of the time is my partner of 30 years, two adult daughters who don’t live at home but they visit often. I feel most guilty when they visit and I try to hide what is going on while they are here.

I have had at least 12 years of feeling stable and not having any suicidal ideation until November 2021. I have built a great life and rationally my feelings make no sense. My husband says there is light at the end of the tunnel, I say is it a train.

I know I have come out of depression in the past and had really great years, just not sure if I can get out of it again.

@Flotsam Your daughters visit often and care about you enough. You were a GOOD ENUFF parent.

There are many existential questions about the value of life and how to make meaning.

I know from my own experience there is little point trying to talk someone out of suicidal ideation, but genuine communication about all of the stuff of life can help.

I have never read The Happiness Trap but I strongly resonate with his choice of title.

We should not feel obliged to put on a happy face ... but there are all sorts of complicated pressures from the psychosocial world.

I did read a chapter "The Construction of Femininity" co written by Suzie Orbach that really resonated with me.

It is hard being thought of, or thinking of oneself, as the "sick" one in a family. I had severe physical neck pain and emotional issues when my kids were little. Not easy for any of us.

Find ways of relating with your daughters that honour your genuine feelings without including suicidal talk. Try and reserve that for therapist, but be real with them. As adult women they probably would prefer to know your thinking.

I do not believe in a high value of either or thinking. It can help write punchy essays .. but has its limits. I always try and open up the space in between. We can use rationality in many ways, but anchoring it in feeling seems the wiser way...

Maybe the train at the end of the tunnel might stop and let you on board for yet another trip in life.

@Appleblossom

The train might indeed stop, that made me smile, thank you for that and your wise council.

Just in case this might help someone, my psychologist who knows me well, got real today. I have been thinking my family would be better off without me and admitted this. She pointed out that is delusional thinking, those thoughts are depression showing up in my thoughts. She said, “ that is delusional thinking and you know the damage it would cause “, and she was right.

Rationally I knew this but caught in despair it is really hard to see these thoughts as just crappy depression thoughts you don’t need to listen to.