Why do I keep doing this 😭 BPD

Hey @ray_of_sunshin3 ,

Everyone is different. Although I cannot answer this for you, I can say that for me, I fell into the trap of behaving in this way because it was a somewhat 'protection' for me.

Because of childhood trauma, I learnt not to trust people, and if any dare even look at me the 'wrong' way, I'd hold it against them and it would ruin my entire day.

Conversely, even if I was in the foulest mood, if someone did something that was 'pleasant', my emotional switch would change in an instant.

Bottom line, what you are feeling seems quite the norm for people with BPD. Hence, BPD is seen as one of those things that really only becomes apparent when we are around others. If they were on their own, no one would know any BPD existed.

I hope you will able to have targeted psychotherapy to support you and to speed up the recovery process.

Hi @ray_of_sunshin3

Firstly, congratulations!! I remember you posting in the lead-up to your wedding, and I was excited to see you referencing your husband now in this post.

I understand how challenging it can be when things feel like such a big deal and you can’t move past the emotions and thoughts that they bring up, and it’s especially frustrating when others don’t understand and you feel like you’re ‘in the wrong’ for having these feelings. I am quite early in my BPD treatment and am yet to start working on the types of skills that could be useful for managing this kind of situation, but I want to say that I hope you are able to have some compassion for yourself and the way that you experience and respond to the world around you.

I know it can sometimes feel like you’re destined to forever continue the existing patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that you may have noticed in yourself, but it is possible to manage these things and greatly reduce the impact they have on your life. I’m glad to hear you’re working with a psychiatrist at the moment, and am hopeful that you’ll find your treatment journey beneficial in helping you to address some of the things that you’re struggling with.

hey @ray_of_sunshin3 ❤️ I just wanted to pop in to say this is really relatable to me. While I don't experience BPD, I certainly relate to what you've written. It seems like you're feeling frustrated at your response to situations like this and maybe some guilt. Is that right?

There are times that something happens with friends or family and I feel so angry. I can't stop thinking about what happened. I run over the conversation in my head. And then words come out of my mouth that SURPRISE ME. The way they sound feels so gross to me. Afterwards, I feel so frustrated at myself and I often feel a lot of shame or guilt around how I behaved. It feels so yuck. Not sure if you relate?

Is there anything that you can do to let go of some of the yuck feelings for yourself?

Take care,

TuxedoCat

Be kind to yourself @ray_of_sunshin3

Hearing you @ray_of_sunshin3 . Thanks for sharing @puzzlingdino !

@ray_of_sunshin3

I'm glad to hear that you and your health professionals have a plan in place to help you access treatment, and that you are feeling hopeful that it can help you manage things better. From my understanding, DBT won't be a 'quick fix', but should provide you with a 'toolbox' of skills that will make it easier to manage those feelings of stress and overwhelm.

Sending you strength and encouragement for your treatment!

puzzlingdino