Struggling with partner's depression

Dear @1105 ,

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like the effects of depression he is facing. I hear you feel so torn - as though the man you once knew has now been taken over.

It is incredible to hear that you are standing by him. Yet I also see that he probably wants 'space' to recover.

Has he seen a GP? I guess you can only make suggestions for him to talk to someone.

You are welcome to share our drop-in line with him - 1800 187 263 (M-F 10am-10pm) so he can speak to one of our amazing counsellors. We also have a Guided Service https://www.sane.org/referral for a more tailored approach (you can see the link to see if he is eligible).

For me, during my recovery, I separated myself from everyone so that I could recover on my own. And I did. It took years, but I needed that space to work things out for myself. This might be his case too? We are all different.

All the best,

tyme

@1105

Hi,

As someone who's been dealing with depression for years due to loss of a loved one, I do have similar problems as your partner.

It often happens when I am feeling fine and start to date another woman, but the key word here is "another", we could be having fun and all of a sudden I realised I am texting/flirting with the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, the feelings are genuine, but depression is a killer. When this happens, I usually just try my best not to hurt the girl and withdraw myself early on into the relationship, keep in mind I am not certain this is what your partner is doing, its just my personal experience.

hey @1105, this sounds like it's really difficult to go through. I think it's completely understandable to feel torn about the situation.

Firstly, you have shown so much care and empathy for your partner. I know for me, it's so hard to see loved ones going through such difficult emotions. Like you said, it kinda makes sense that his world is so shaken after what's happened.

Secondly, I think it also makes sense that you're checking in with yourself about what you want. Like you said, a lot of your needs aren't being, and balancing that with your partners need for space is so difficult!

What kind of support do you have for yourself? Anyone to talk with about this?

From my own experience, loved ones will only seek support when they're ready. I know I've been frustrated when loved ones haven't followed up on support that I think would help them. When I can see how much they're struggling, it's even worse. It sounds like you've offered a lot of support, but have you talked about your own needs and trying to ensure they're met too?

Sending lots of virtual support your way,

TuxedoCat

Hi @1105 . I should preface this by saying I'm on a bit of a mission when it comes to attachment disorders. I personally identify as an avoidant personality, which is a kind of common yet under researched scenario, which even more common among men.

Attachment issues is one of those things can cut deep and is also something that we all go through at least a little bit. So my antennas are usually up for avoidant cases. And, I like to recommend looking into Attachment Theory when I see signs. It does seem he's turning in on himself, at least a little bit.

I am the partner of a depressed person, he is almost always angry, withdrawn, negative and or non-responsive. We have been together for 15 years and have had some lovely times. I care for him and spent many years sad and lonely, it took me until the past 12 months to put myself first, I have a job I love and beautiful children who care for me. He can be talking to me ok and then if I leave the room and come back 5 minutes later, his mood has changed and he stops talking to me or engaging from 1 day to 1 year. He has been very ill for many years, I have supported him through medication trials and ECT. I still live my life as his partner but no longer cry or get upset over being shut out, I just do things I enjoy, always including him, offering support and continue to love him. My partner never finds joy in anything or smiles at anything, I do that for him and hope he gets something out of his life with me, I encourage, praise and let him know how much I love him, I ignore his bad moods, snide comments and negativity, I now remain positive for the both of us, I put flowers by his bed, have his coffee ready every morning and annoy him with positivity, he never acknowledges or says thank you but we are together and I will always care for him. I had to learn and adapt or be forever sad with him, I know your pain well, take care of yourself

How on earth do you manage to do this? After 25 years with my partner with depression my heart is aching with neglect and I don't think I can do it anymore.

I hear your pain and struggle @1105 Hang in there, you matter too.

So good you reached out, we're here... Contact us (sane.org) we also have some quick facts here... Families, friends & carers (sane.org)

Hope this is useful 💚