Sister with Major Depression

Hi @Sister2

Welcome to the forums. I'm one of the peer workers on the forums here at Sane. You don't sound selfish at all. I can understand you must feel exhausted and completely over it. Is there any other family members you can sit down and have a good chat to about how you're feeling? I'm wondering if it's worth getting in touch with someone who is part of her mental health team to express how you're feeling? There is also the resource Carers Gateway here https://www.carergateway.gov.au/services-and-support you could get some ideas about what to do in your current situation.

I'll also tag some of our amazing community guides who are great at welcoming new members.

Take care

Hanami

@Snowie @NatureLover @jem80 @Aniela @Shaz51 @AussieRecharger @ShiningStar @outlander @HenryX @Judi9877 @Zoe7 @wellwellwellnez @Eve7 @maddison @Boo13 @pinklollipop15 @CrazyChick, @Hams , @Faith-and-Hope , @BPDSurvivor

Hi @Sister2,

I can relate to what you are saying - I have been a support carer for a family member with a serious mental health issue for more than 20 years. Whilst thankfully my family member is doing a lot better now thanks to a strong professional team and good strategies in place in the beginning it was very difficult for both of us as I was his only support person.

I clearly remember one time when my child was a few months old one of my family member's friend's told me that they needed to end the friendship (between my family member and themselves) as the relationship was becoming too much for them. They asked me if I would I mind keeping an extra eye of my family member as they were concerned as to how my family member was going to respond to the end of the friendship. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but at the time I told them that `I was doing everything in my power to take care of my family member but I also needed to take care of my own family, my infant child, and my own mental health so no I wouldn't be keeping an extra eye on them'. I remember feeling guilty, frustrated and alone but I also began to realise that I can only do so much, be so much, help so much etc. As much as I will always help support my family member I now have boundaries in place for my own well being. Is there other people that could help with your sister such as another family member?

The years of being a support carer has led me to really embrace the idea of putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help anyone else - I really believe you can't give what you don't have. If you haven't already I would encourage your to look into getting some support for yourself to around being a carer - here is a link support for carers.

Sending you understanding and wishing you all the best.

FloatingFeather

hey @Sister2. It sounds like you have been holding a lot for a long time and have spent a lot of your life prioritising your sisters need. But it sounds like you feel it's important to care for your own needs. I can understand why you feel this might be selfish, but it sounds completely understandable.

A common phrase you'll see on the forums is that we need to put our own oxygen mask on before we help others. I'm not sure if that resonates with you?

Having said all of this, I bet it's really hard holding all the feelings of love and care for your sister, while also feeling frustrated at the situation and exhausted.

@Sister2 I have been in role of supporting siblings. It is hard and can be heartbreaking and exhausting. Sometimes I believe the division of "sick person" and "carer" can have negative consequences, in putting too much pressure on one and infantilising the other. We all have to do the walk of life.

Thank you for sharing @FloatingFeather I felt guilty for moments when I pulled back from my siblings. Being a parent can make priorities seem obvious, but still the pressures of life and death and family have complicated obligations.