Outlet

I want to write a fair bit.

Not exactly sure where to start. So I'll just go straight to the thing that's been on my mind past few hours

My partner was saying last night that she needed to get her visa updated. It will cost her 2000 AUD. She sounds stressed about it. I reassured her that she will find an answer because she has been here 4 years already and has got this far.

I even pointed out how in the past she told me I would figure out how to use one of my presents back on my birthday because it was a gift and it meant something. So I applied the same thinking for her.

But

Here is my fear.

I am fearful she will ask me for money. I am fearful that if she does then that just undoes all the good we have. There have definitely been negative moments as we've got to know each other. Most of this is down to culture difference (I think our culture of the hook up hasn't helped us find true meaning in relationships). The rest of the negatives have been down to emotional expression. Or lacking the ability to show it or express it.

But I very very fearful she will ask for money for her visa. Then I am worried she will ask me for more money after that for her course. Here's the thing. I mentioned once to her about a friend who just split with his gf after 2 years (he is 32). He is from a culture that traditionally do arranged marriages. He has been through quite a battle in the courts. He told me it was about assets. About splitting that up but I am not an expert in law and dunno if that's even what can happen. Why wouod the court be involved?

I digress.

I guess I'm just hyper cautious of being emotionally manipulated. Tbh I think my anxiety has gone into over drive on this one.

We've been going out 3 months. There have been hiccups of course. But most importantly I have not ever sought advice from people because there is too much bad advice out there.

I think I know the answer - I need to STOP worrying about this. Simple. It has not happened yet. IF it does happen then I'll cross the bridge when I come to it.

I think I have single handedly made myself more anxious and depressed by theorising about a whole scenario.

I also keep drawing similarities between my partner and this girl I met one time who was drunk and high on weed. This is soooo unfair and I feel terrible for it. My partner isn't that type if girl.

I've always been sensitive about this topic - relationships. Now that I am in one I'm kinda overwhelmed. But I reckon I am overwhelmed by my own doing.

My work is overwhelming me because of the content. I've adapted to the hours (which are long). I spoke to my psych about this. He has sent me an interesting article about vicarious trauma.

I feel so overwhelmed by small things. I need to stop over analysing these small things. But I also know that the habits and coping mechanisms that I have used in the last number of years have harmed my brain and hijacked my limbic system and so maybe I'm still adapting to that as well.

In short - there is a lot going on inside.