Hi there

Hi Dexica,

Firstly, welcome to the forums!! I think you will find some really supportive people here, who will give you some great insights into where you're currently at.

I guess relationships can be a difficult thing at the best of times, and when mental illness is ivolved, can become really hard. I want to look at your very last comment of your post "it's one of those times". This tells me that there must have been similar times in the past that have gotten better, hence this is "one of those times' - so in viewing things this way, you might hope for things to get better again??

You also said that when he is with you he says all the right things and looks at you as if you are the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. This is absolutely lovely. You no doubt ARE the most beautiful thing he has ever seen!! You have been married for 28 years now and have two amazing children. This is something to celebrate in itself - good on you!!

You said you live in the country - do you have any supports such as other family or friends that help you?? Can you tell me which state you live in and I might be able to find a service that could help you.

You will find some pretty amazing people ont these forums @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @BananaHammock just to name a few. Guys, any ideas/nice words you could share with @Dexica ??

Hobbit.

Hello @ Dexica and a very warm welcome.

I so understand what you mean when you say there are times when you feel you want to leave your partner and my heart aches to hear you say that “it is hard to take always the look in their eyes like you are invisible or you are part of the problem or the enemy, an annoyance that is in the way”. Sometimes when people are very ill, they feel that they are so unlovable that they can’t accept those closest to them love them, it can seem unfathomable. Hence the sometimes far-away look in the eyes.

Your partner calling the shots and then blaming you sounds manipulative. If possible, it is important to separate the mental illness (MI) from behaviour traits that would arguably be present regardless of MI. Try hard not to fall into traps. If you recognise manipulate behaviours, gently but firmly call them for what they are. None of us do others favours by excusing inexcusable behaviour.

You say that early in your relationship you didn't see that he wasn't just getting over a broken relationship before you and that his MI was something he had been living with all his life. There is every chance that at that stage, he himself may not have recognised that he was battling with MI.

Feelings in relationships can and do change for a wide range of reasons only one of which is MI. Sometimes when the reason is MI, as with other illnesses, it makes it even more difficult for the “well” person because of feelings of guilt. This can be exacerbated for people who have been formally married – because they have generally promised to love “in sickness and in health” and can judge themselves harshly when ruminating on associations between the marriage break up and the illness.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as though you are a friend. I am sure that if a friend told you that they felt they were being brought down on a daily basis, that you would support their decision to do what they thought was best for their wellbeing.

From what you say it sounds as though your husband does love you. Maybe it’s time for some deal making with him. Would you feel able to talk to him about the things that most hurt you and make some deals in terms of limit setting on blaming etc?

His discussion of wishing that he was “normal” sounds anguished and as though still all is still not well in his world.

Everyone needs an outlet of some kind and writing on this forum is neither “winging” or “selfish”

Both living with MI and supporting a person with MI are emotional roller coasters. You sound like a strong and passionate person. Maybe some open talk and deal making around behaviours will decrease the intensity of the roller coaster.

Your post touched me deeply and struck a few raw nerves – please don’t apologise for writing. A first post takes a lot of courage. Be proud of taking a step in the right direction of getting some support for yourself.

Again, please be kind to yourself. Give yourself the love, acceptance and understanding that you’d give a dear friend.

Best regards, Maude

Hi there,

How are you tonight?

Im okay. Ive come to bed early because I like going to sleep early ready for tomorrow.

Ive just quickly read Maude"s message and am noting how thorough and sensible that she is.

Dexica, If you just take away any thoughts of feelng your not doing well......how do you feel? It reads like you are feeling manipulated, his speech is about his illness and how he feels about himself ...in that I mean........

"one minute they are with you the next they are not......" you write

We can surmise that this is not his fault but but also isnt your fault. How can you be the best you can be without causing any any ripples in your life??