Suicidal thoughts/ feelings

Hmmm thanks @creative_writer maybe it is to do with passive suicidal ideation and active.

i see my case manager and pdoc tomorrow, maybe I could talk with them about it.

Would be interested in your thoughts @tyme if you have a moment

Sure thing? You mean about suicidal thoughts? @Bow

I don’t really know what I’m meaning @tyme …..Just trying to figure out what’s going on for me I guess….
I’m still having a lot of SI, but it’s feeling different to the last few weeks, like there are no feelings behind it. Am I just numb to it all? Is it just becoming ‘normal’?
i don’t know. Nevermind.

I hear you @Bow . Makes sense to me.

I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I don't act on them, but they are always there. I used to hate it. But now I know it is part of my condition, so I'm not ashamed to talk about it.

Talking about it can normalise it for people who have chronic suicidal ideation. It's just there. There's no point trying to get rid of them because the more I try to get rid of them, the more I think about them. In there end, they are just left to be at the back of my mind.

Even when I speak to you about it now, I have the thoughts, but it doesn't mean I'm going to do anything. As far as I know, it's perfectly okay. It doesn't mean I'm 'faulty'.

Gosh, that’s hard for me to wrap my head around @tyme that they are always there… and you would be accepting of it being that way forever??

Yes @Bow . I have accepted that they are there, and I have also accepted that my thoughts no longer rule my life.

It takes lots of practice, but when I understood this, my life really turned around. I used to think I was a terrible, bad person because I had such evil thoughts... I don't even care about the thoughts now.

Just a part of life. Thoughts come and go. I just don't let them sit with me and rule my behaviour.

So yes, it sounds weird. It did to me too when my psychologist first told me it was part of BPD. So now... I'm as satisfied as I could be 🙂

Thank you for explaining that @tyme . It makes sense.

last question I think…. Do you ever have any feelings or emotions attached to the thoughts? Like do your thoughts become intense and you fear them? I think that’s where things currently feel a bit different for me.
sorry for so many questions

Happy you are asking @Bow .

No, I no longer have feelings attached to these thoughts. I definitely used to though. The thoughts were stuck to the emotions and vice versa.

In a way, the revelation and acceptance that it is okay to have these thoughts helped sever the link between thoughts and emotions/feelings.

Sometimes, I recognise the feelings, describe the feeling to myself, then move on. I don't dwell on it. So much of the work I did with my psychologist now makes sense - I never used to, and I hated the therapy work. I told him that straight out, but he insisted on the importance of it. Now I see why.