Relationships with BPD

@Angel19, Hello, and welcome to the forums. , I have BPD too (though my current psychologist& GP prefer to call it C-PTSD). The anxiety & depression come with the label but also self harm or self sabotage. BPD seems to be stigmatised e en among MH professionals as 'attention seeking which they think ignoring or punishing us is the path - they couldn't be more wrong, very sad this day & age. An unkind & unhelpful label my new psychologist says. Back in my 20s, when first diagnosed with BPD, My psychiatrist told me, he said "there's nothing much we can do for you" (which is not what a suicidal person needs to hear).

On another thread, i started a discussion "lets talk about Grief & loss" and looking for info on how MI impacts ability to cope with loss, I stumbled on a fascinating article on BPD by A.J. Mahari which has helped me understand more. (makes me angry with my parents again but it all fits). Take a look if you find time.

About relationships, I too have not had stable relationships. Ever. Its lonely. I try but get muddled. Apparently we have no concept of 'self' so logic would say - in a relationship we don't know what we want, what we like, not really deep down, so were never content & people grow tired of us. That's my brief summary of it. We are 1:100 they say. It would take a special person to love our unsettled emotional liability, fear of abandonment & insecurity. . But we can learn to manage it, reintegrate, deal with the losses and become whole, the authentic 'me' Well, still trying. Mahan's article says it all.

I hope you find healing faster than I, there's so much more offered out there these says. Stay strong. Get to know you and build a relationship with your own inner self, learn the art of vulnerability and self-compassion, be kind to you. 🙂

Hi @Angel19. I don't have any sort of BPD, or defined MI as such, but due to breakdown of marriage (2, to be exact) like you, I have no wish to be involved in any long- term relationship. I am 65, separated last year after a 25 year marriage. I married, thinking mistakenly that marriage meant him and me. It turned out I'd married into a 'Royal Family' type of family. M/d ruled, when they demanded my hubby be there, he was. They intensely disliked me because I wanted hubby to myself. He was their son, therefore, they came 1st, 2nd and 3rd, then came his work, then (if I was lucky) came me. As I said I put up with this for 25 years. Since leaving him, I do have a bf, but doubt I will ever live with him as frankly- I don't trust men. Like you, I am inclined to be a bit on the 'clingy' side. I'm scared of forming any sort of real attachment as I feel my bf could be driven away by my 'clingy' nature. What you see in the movies is a guy who has learnt lines. What he says in the movies, is what he has been told to say. I have yet to meet a man who understands (without being told) when a woman wants to be held. Men seldom (if ever) apologize, it's simply not in their vocabulary, if they do, it's usually because they've been asked to. My bf seldom apologizes to me, he doesn't know how to. He says he loves me, but his idea of love and mine simply don't 'meet'. I can't answer your question regarding your life, all I can do is say I personally believe that if you meet the person you could love and trust, try living together for a while, before committing. Committing is scary, be sure about who and what you want before.

I have been diagnosed with BPD recently also after a long struggle and a lot of misdiagnosis...ive been woth my partner almost 10 years, we met when i was 18 and we have definitely gone through some tough times and sometimes i find it hard to be in a relationship at all but we love each other and want to be together and will always work at things.
Unfortunately it is hard work and not always fun but if you find the right person it is possible to make things work...its good to have other support, like a psychologist, so your partner doesnt get everything put onto them all the time
❤ i hope we all find the happiness we are after ❤

Hi @Former-Member
Thanks for your advice, I have read some articles on bpd but most of them seem depressing more than anything but I will have a look at the ones you said. I can relate to what you said about not knowing what I want or what I like but instead of them leaving I am normally the one that leaves as I become "bored" or disinterested. I have been abandoned by several men in my childhood and therefore tend to cling onto someone when I first meet them thinking that if I don't cling to them they will leave. Unfortunately men don't like this. I agree with what your saying about healing myself first.
Thank you for the advice.

Thank you for all the advice I will take everyone's on board. I think part of the problem is that I have been raised by a mother who puts a lot of emphasis on getting married. It's all I ever hear about. Unfortunately she is on her third marriage and this has had an impact on me in how I view relationships and marriage. However you have given me lots of food for thought. I am interested in trying DBT to see if that helps.
Thanks again. A

Hi @Angel19. I sort of feel most women/girls were raised believing their major role in life was get married, have kids, be mum, wife. We were never encouraged as girls to even contemplate long -term careers. Even at school some of us thought that we would get a job (well paying) stay for a few years, meet the 'right' man, get married, have kids and that was all we had to look forward to. Today's girls/women are more inclined to be 'modern' thinkers. Some still want the babies, but not necessarily a hubby. Careers are becoming more prevalent for a lot of today's girls. If you decide you want to stay as you are, so be it. Try not to focus on how your mum raised you, she wanted you to get married, for her, not for you. Marriage is definitely not the 'be all, end all' for everyone.