Blue_Girl86New Contributor
BPD is Ruining My Life
When I was first diagnosed, I was told I had Bipolar 2, depression and ptsd. I was put on random medications by a GP, saw numerous psychiatrists and psychologists and the medications they had me on gave me pretty bad anxiety... which I haven’t been able to shake.
I would have been 20 at the time.
It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I was rediagnosed with BPD, and it makes so much more sense.
Flashbacks to being younger and experiencing my first feelings of flash rage brought on by next to nothing. I always found that my mum triggered me the most. And partners. So basically, anyone that I was the most close to. I remember getting so angry that I punched my fist into a stone benchtop, dislocating my knuckles. I wanted to hurt myself more than anything else. I was just so mad, and I don’t even remember why. I remember being so depressed to the point where I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink anything for days on end, I couldn’t leave my bed. I’d lay there gross in the same clothes for days, not showering or looking after my hygiene. And no one would be any wiser. I’d somehow end up at work eventually, fake smile in tow, cracking jokes and acting like a clown because I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I felt on the inside.
I have ruined every single relationship I have been in purely on irrational thoughts and fear of abandonment alone. I do crappy things like obsessively check my partner’s social media pages to see if he has added any new women. I know he loves me and he is loyal. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell him I have BPD. He knows I have really bad depression at the moment. But I feel like if I told him that he would run for the hills. Why do people always mistake Borderline Personality Disorder for Multiple Personality Disorder. Have you noticed that?
I feel physically heavy and I’m gaining the kg at the moment. Because I’m so stressed out I can’t lose it and I’m obsessively in the gym and starving myself. Doesn’t work when you’re in your late 30s though... only screws up your metabolism and makes it worse. I over eat excessively and shamefully with the B word when I’m down. I can’t control it and I’m ashamed of it. I feel like when I have an episode it gets worse as I get older. I tried to hurt myself on Saturday. I was at the point where I just feel so isolated and alone and like I have no importance to anyone, not even my partner. I was wishing and hoping that I would just end so I don’t have to deal with the emptiness and sadness of feeling so alone.
i really feel like an idiot.
ive been wanting to do dbt for so long now but it’s so expensive and I can’t find anywhere that can maybe fit in with a work schedule or be cost effective. I get so overwhelmed looking it up online and I have no idea where to start.
i really need help hey. My chest and pit of my stomach feel like they are going to heave in and implode. I’m so sad lately. It’s been non stop for the last week and I can’t control my feelings.
ive never told anyone any of this before and I really really just need a hug and some advice on what do do.
i don’t want to ruin another relationship or my life and I feel like I’m approaching rock bottom again.
i just wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge me.
😞
