Struggling in volatile house

Hi there @Dyl1419

Welcome to the forums. I'm one of the peer workers here. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really awful! I'm glad you've had advice and support from your GP and psychologist. It definitely sounds like the best course of action (to leave) but then your fiance is still there and you are obviously concerned for her. Have you talked to her about how you're feeling? I'm imagining it's hard for her too. Then of course if you're not financially ok then leaving won't be so easy. Do you have any support people in your own life you can talk to about the situation, like parents, siblings, other close relatives?

Hanami

Hi @Dyl1419,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It's nice to have you on board. I appreciate that initially it can be hard for some people to share their stories but please know that you are in a safe and anonymous space with people from a variety of lived experiences.

I'm sorry to read what you are going through - it sounds like a very layered and difficult situation. I would imagine it is also hard because they are your girlfriend's parents so it's understandable you would want to keep the peace, particularly as you are looking out for your girlfriend's best interest too.

It's really good that you have spoken to your GP and psychologist about this because it sounds like you could do with the support and insight. I think a lot of people imagine domestic violence is typically physical but I agree with your GP and psychologist that it is other things such as emotional and psychological.

I understand when you talk about wanting to get your girlfriend to come with you - I would imagine that is tricky though as you say because they are her family.

What life has taught me over the years is the only person I can really control or change is myself. As much as we may want to help someone else it's not always possible.

It sounds like this situation is really difficult on you and your wellbeing. Do you have a friend who you could stay with at least for a few days so you can get a break from the environment you are in and clear you head a bit? Would you think your girlfriend might benefit from having some time and space away from her parents too?

I really do feel for you and hope you find your answers very soon.

I will tag some of some of our lovely community guides at the bottom of this post so they will be linked into this chat. Hopefully they can offer some valuable insight around this.

Take care and warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

@BPDSurvivor @Faith-and-Hope @Judi9877 @NatureLover @outlander @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @Snowie @Hams @wellwellwellnez @Zoe7 @maddison @Eve7

Hi there @Dyl1419!

Thanks for writing into the forums, it's such a great community online here, and there is always support available for you 🙂

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, it must be a really hard thing to navigate, and it always seems to be that little bit more tricky when there are other people involved (as this would impact on your fiance and her family situation).

I am so glad that you have gotten some help from professionals, it is always great to reach out and get some professional advice when it comes to these things.

I think that the lovely @FloatingFeather has made a great point above. At the end of the day, the person you need to be most worried about, and most aware of always, is yourself. It is difficult when there are other people in the situation as you don't want to hurt anyone or make anything uncomfortable for yourself or others, but as you have acknowledged that your own mental health is declining because of this living situation, as well as feeling as if you are in constant 'fight or flight' state, it might be worth having a conversation with your fiance about your thoughts towards moving out. This can be really difficult as you don't know how they will respond, but knowing that you are putting your own mental health first should be a big part of why you are thinking of leaving this house.

I'm not quite sure about your financial situation/ if you would want to move our solo, or potentially with a friend or another family member. As long as you are safe, then a plan can always be made.

Often times, the decisions we make for ourselves turn out to really rewarding, and I'm sure once your mental state begins to come back to its usual state then it will all make a lot more sense for what the next step should be. But for now, focus on one step at a time and always do whats best for you and your well-being.

Take care,
Amber22

Its not easy returning to live with Parents and in your case potential in laws. Ive returned to live in my family home with Parents as an adult and its tricky. I really hear how conflicting the situation is and its not so clean cut to just leave. I can hear its affecting your wellbeing though.

What I realized is that its their house and I cannot expect them to change everything because I am there. I had to find ways to be there and get some quiet time for myself. Safety is so important ( even brain space to think) at home yet my situation was wild living with them so I would make make sure I had space in my life as I felt stuck in the living situation I was in.I actually spent alot of time in the house with earplugs in ( it helped with the excessive noise however not with the constant feelings of tension ) I guess these days I probably would be listening to music instead. I walked away alot and spent time in my room . I would have a favourite cafe close to home I could decompress before preparing myself to walk into that house after work every day. If things got heated in the house I would sit in the car , sometimes just go for a drive.

In Your situation I can only imagine how tricky it is to spend time with your girlfriend alone in the house so if I may suggest You organise some great date nights away from it . I hope you find a way of being in the situation or away from it. If you know You cannot live there then the bravery to speak openly with Your girlfriend about it or the possibly to together speak with her Parents if there's an opening to do so. Saving money to get a house is awesome however Your wellbeing is important and having space to Be in your living environment too .

@Dyl1419

I think you should lovingly explain to your partner that you are not ok with the abuse and that you want to leave and for her to come. If she will not make plans with you to leave then you will need to make your own plans unfortunately. Domestic abuse is not ok and you should not be expected to cop abuse from your partners family. It’s not worth the trauma.

Hi and welcome, @Dyl1419 .

I agree with everything @Little_Leopard has said here:

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@Little_Leopard wrote:

@Dyl1419

I think you should lovingly explain to your partner that you are not ok with the abuse and that you want to leave and for her to come. If she will not make plans with you to leave then you will need to make your own plans unfortunately. Domestic abuse is not ok and you should not be expected to cop abuse from your partners family. It’s not worth the trauma.

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Can you start looking around for 1BR rental properties? That might give you some hope, and when the time comes, you can invite your fiancee to come with you.

Good luck...