Outright hatred for myself and distaste with life, suicide often a thought to stop it

Dear @Mogwai32 ,

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry this is what you are currently feeling. Is there a reason for your anger?

I just want to point out that anger is a very normal feeling. I myself had a very 'angry moment' today. I felt out of control and upset. I was so revved up that I worked myself up into a panic. The physical signs were there: the clenched teeth, the heated feeling, the tears of anger....

So what did I do?

I breathed through it. I let myself cry it out to get out the anger. I worked to analyse the anger so as to put a distance between the feeling and myself.

I am calm now, but I'm upset with the things I said in my head. That is the next thing I need to work on.

But I want you to know I hear you @Mogwai32 - you are not alone.

@tyme thank you, and I'm sorry you felt that too, I've been angry for a long time and have trouble even pinpointing it, usually I had vents and avenues to get it out, but they don't seem to work as of late, it scares me a little bit if I'm perfectly honest

Actually @Mogwai32 , my whole life I was brought up to think that anger was a 'bad' feeling and that I wasn't to feel or show it.

This thinking did a lot of damage to me. I would spend my time trying to get rid of this 'bad' feeling and the more I tried, the angrier I got that I couldn't get rid of it.

Through therapy, I've learnt to manage this anger and to know that anger is part of life. It is neither good or bad. It is simply a feeling. Where my anger posed a problem was actually the aggression that came with it. This aggression was seen both outward as well as turned inward to self harm.

Name the feeling is the start - and you've done this. Next, it is about what you'd like to ideal happen with this anger e.g. work through it? reduce the occurrences? work with violence/aggression?

There's so much to anger. What would you like to ideally see and feel? Are you able to release the valve at regular intervals so that there is less chance of a buildup of anger and then a possible explosion?

@tyme I just want it gone if that's ever possible, I too grew up being told it wasn't ok to be angry so I feel its going to be a conjunction of things, main issue is I'm struggling to even figure out how to deal with it at times

@Mogwai32 - I am curious,

How DO you currently deal with anger?

It used to be as simple as a bike ride, playing some video games or going for a walk, those things aggravate me more these days

So it sounds like you do these things you have listed above when you feel angry @Mogwai32 - do you see these activities as harmful? Or is it that these activities no longer help with the anger?

For me, my anger used to turn into aggression and violence - that is NOT acceptable. However, if going for a bike ride works for you, why not?

Or are you working towards never feeling angry in the first place?

@tyme sorry struggling with descriptions, it's feeling as if they just no longer have the same effect anymore, I haven't let it turn to violence in almost 8 years, but that ever present worry of an explosion is there

Makes sense @Mogwai32 about these strategies no longer having the same effect.

If anger is troubling you, do you have a therapist or someone to help you break this anger down so that you understand it a bit better?

I think understanding your anger is so important. e.g. what it happens, where it comes from, its purpose.

What do you think?