first post-desperate and lonely. cptsd, SA, court, relationships

Hi @Salma. I can relate to your story, I don't know how to control my behaviour as far as exploding and crying and I feel so guilty because my partner has to deal with it and he becomes angry as well.

I think the same as you maybe I should move to the country and be surrounded by animals but I don't have the strength or courage to do it it. I hear you

hey @salma- welcome to the forums ❤️ I'm TuxedoCat, one of the peer workers and moderators here. I really hope you can find connection and support here in our special community.

I hope you feel proud for reaching out for a new kind of support. It's really brave to try something new and brave to share your story. It sounds like you've been holding onto a lot and I hope we can share the load with you a bit more. it's ok if you don't know what you want. Sometimes I find just being listened to can be helpful.

From what you've said, you have really had to deal with a lot. More than most people. And it's just not fair. We have some similar parts to our story and for me, I know that recovery is not just a one way street. I can sometimes go years with feeling better and great and being able to deal with everything. And then a long comes a trigger which sets me "back". For me, it feels really unpredictable and kinda like I've failed. But then I slowly start to feel more well. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like maybe something similar happened when you went to court.

I saw that you said you're too selfish to go and be alone. But you don't deserve to go through this alone ❤️ It sometimes doesn't seem like it, but I know you will feel more well. Do you feel like you've come far since you first started the process to being well?

Here to listen,

TuxedoCat

What often sucks about trauma is not just the what happens but, the absence of recovery support. Thinking about it, for a lot of us, the reaching out for support and not finding it, is how the wiring gets created for trauma buttons. It makes the internal process of reaching out (or even needing to reach out) create a pain response (or something).

What I'm saying (to you and to a lot of us) is, while untangling the wires is still hard, the place you're in to untangle is far better than it was. Friends to have and a life to like is pretty key to re-normalizing. It's a pretty significant achievement in itself. And, reminding yourself that it's ok to heal, can kind of, in itself, be healing. Being unregulated is kind of part of re-regulating.

Having said that, if anyone's reading this and not in a place yet, Yes, hang in there. No, it ain't right. Yes Yes, you deserve safety and support and YES YES YES you should take opportunities to attain such things.

thank you @Former-Member this is a very kind message to receive. i think youre right about everything. and yes i think this year i have regressed so much because its been so hard like torture.

and you make a good point as i do think its important to remember all the ways in which i have transformed and grown since unpacking everything 5 years ago. i have actually worked so hard and i would like to be more proud of myself.

i hope i can find some connections here. it can be very lonely. i suppose i am just so extremely exhausted. and i feel sad and lonely and find it so difficult that if i ever talk about any of the things which have happened to me that are really sad and dark just make other people feel uncomfortable.

do you ever find that? thank you for your support. makes me feel hopeful

@wellwellwellnez @you're totally right. thank you. i wish we got some rewards or trophies. or maybe that would be weird. i guess it would be nice to feel seen in the relentless full time job of managing it.

@Kat75 neither. let me know if you do and we can share the petrol costs on our yearly visit to the city for the dentist and bulk food?

but actually i am trying to be hopeful. it took me years to learn to be kind to myself after being triggered and lashing out. for years i didnt even really remember what i had done or how i would behave. i would then go into this spiral of self loathing, shame and guilt for days. it just made it worse.

i still do it but the self-loathing is for shorter periods because i can do the self compassion and all the skills i've learnt to regulate myself.

it is exhausting working so hard to heal cptsd though and i really wish it would go away for good.

i hope you can be kind to yourself. if i can you can too. i have been doing these inner child or something like that meditations with my therapist which i realise are actually very helpful. learning to distinguish the adult me from the child/adolescent me. you're probably done it all a million times like me but i just found this glimmer of hope and thought to share

@salma-, it's my pleasure. I feel like your story really resonated with me so I'm glad we've connected today ❤️

Yeah, I do sometimes find that I need to pick and choose who I talk about my MH and experiences with a little bit. When I used to drink more, I would find my self over-sharing with some people who I don't think deserved to really know my story. I think it can make people uncomfy. But I also know it's important to find ways to talk about it or people to talk about it with. I know a lot of us find the forums a good place for that 😊 Do you have other people or supports in place to talk about things like this?

We have plenty of places to connect here thought. There are plenty of ways to get to know people through their posts on mental health, but also if you click on this, you'll find some social threads too Looking for a space to connect with others? Find a list of discussions in 'Social Spaces' here

And I agree, it sounds like you have worked SO hard and seen so many changes in yourself that it's something to be proud of. And sometimes we slip a little it. But the fact that you've worked so hard for 5 years makes me think you'll be able to get through again ❤️

Far from being weird @salma- , I think you're onto something about the trophy system. I think a deeper part of the being people-based with other people and with yourself, has this really important side-effect of affirming values on a reward mechanism level.

I'm thinking of the tank general who said "If it's urgent it's not important and if it's important it's not urgent". Tough times can get people too used to urgent mode. A bit of self-recognition and values affirmation is how we get back our important muscles/brains/powers.

Very interesting @wellwellwellnez !

Can you elaborate and explain this a bit more "If it's urgent it's not important and if it's important it's not urgent"?

It's actually called the "Eisenhower Matrix" @tyme which I think is kind of a cool name. It's kind of a business/organizational/time-management term. I also find it a comforting guide for getting into a, coping with things while also dealing with things, mindset. Tank-general advice strikes me as appropriate for a lot of mental health recovery.

Here's a link with a video.

https://www.eisenhower.me/eisenhower-matrix/

This link goes straight to the video. Only about 2-3 mins and there's a friendly British voice with a banjo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDLVtT89OZ7TNwc&v=suGXZ1869qc&feature=emb_rel_end