I'm not quite "there" yet, and anxiety is still wrecking my lifestyle & driving away potential friendships.
*But* I have noticed my dissociation getting much better this year. My identity is settling, and I'm spacing out into my alternate persona less - I feel more whole & integrated every day. Instead of immediately zoning out, I have more manageable anxiety symptoms, like nausea and panic. This week, I not only had an actual outward panic attack for the first time in months, but I cried & released my emotions instead of becoming aggressive.
I finally have strong support from work to take days off for mental health instead of overworking myself, and I have enough headspace to seek counselling to address my (chaotic) office hours instead of hoping I can fix them on my own. I've sacrificed career growth to stabilise my self-confidence by working through routine tasks instead of exciting ones, but it was the right decision to make, and I feel like I'm on a pathway to being *healthy* instead of hurtling towards the burnout I experienced in my last job.
When I do have mental health issues - like the unexpected brainfog I'm having today - I find it easier to process them and move on, I don't beat myself up as much. I can accept that today won't be as productive as I thought, and that's okay. If I have intrusive thoughts, I can observe them, and know that they are not me. I feel somewhat self-assured.
I am transitioning (mtf), and after my voice feminisation surgery this year I'm starting to feel at peace with myself and my social identity. I don't completely pass, but I am very androgynous, non-masculine, non-threatening, and I'm happy with that. I'm comfortable using my preferred name in conversation now, and while the feminine aspect of my identity is still underdeveloped, I can see it improving with socialisation - I can see an end to my transition. I have different affirmative procedures planned for the next few years (hips, waist, face, reassignment), and I think that once they're over, I might finally be me, and I can leave the traces of "him" behind. I'll be 29 by the time I'm finished, but I'm still excited to experience the rest of my youth with a body I can feel comfortable in. If I'm very lucky, I'll get natural or adopted children to care for in middle age.
Routine is something else I've improved this year. I used to find it very hard to do my teeth, skincare, eat breakfast, etc, in the morning, but I've managed to do all of them consistently for at least six months now. It's not a huge ritual, but it keeps me healthy, it anchors my days, and it helps provide a barrier between my private & public life.
I'm a mess right now, but I'm much less of a mess than I have been. I feel like I might have a chance to thrive in a few more months, and be able to start going to bars & events as myself after my FFS (~2024). Things aren't great, but they're a lot better than they used to be ❤