Hi @Tight-Control,
What brought you to read on EQ/EI? I'm curious!
Yes, I do find reading on these things invaluable. But the only reason I came across the concepts, is when I was faced with a defiant toddler that I could sense was anxious and confused, not 'naughty' or malicious. I read a parenting book... and while I had a broad understanding of EQ before (because, becoming a parent), it wasn't until I read this book that I realised just how relevant it was to perhaps seek people to validate my feelings. I grew up rarely having that. And sadly, never when I was faced with problems and emotional response that reallly needed that safe space to work through.
What I get out of reading on these things, is that it is ok to be angry!! It is ok to become so overwhelmed that I am scared and everything in sight is seen as a tool for self-harm. I am not being dramatic, I am not manipulative, I am not being intentionally hurtful to others, it isn't a planned tactic. It is just a very heightened fight or flight reaction that I have! I cannot control those hormones! Those hormones are why I have my whole life spent times of distress stomping, punching, all of my body, wherever I can, against walls. It is adrenaline trying to do what adrenaline does, but in the absence of a saber tooth tiger, it has gotten confused with me thinking others or more frequently, myself, the enemy. And in mistaking this, comes the shame and guilt and questioning whether I am a manipulative drama queen that can't just solve shit for myself, that I'm seeking to blame rather than just problem solve.
Now I can label my distress for what it is, even if it is so bad that i'm physically attacking myself, I can just be in that moment and I see that it will pass, I don't need to reevaluate my whole life or sense of self, just work this crap out of my system.
And once it's worked itself gone, I can problem solve more rationally. Apologise where I have hurt, and add that stress trigger to my ongoing list, so I can know to approach such things in future repeating "there are no tigers here".
What began as looking for tools to deal with defiance and nurturing my children's emotions as I didn't believe in shouting or rudimentary punishments for sake of it, has ended up giving me tools to deal with my own emotional reactions as a parent, and life in general.
