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Whats the point of it all

BatOuttaHellCasual Contributor03 Sept 2022, 10:07 pm AEST

Whats the point of it all

Hi. I just signed up. I have struggled with mental health problems my whole life.

My family I grew up are my mums side, as my dad left when I was little. They are all depressed or anxious or manic or addicted to gambling/drugs/medication and generally bizarre. All on disability support pensions for chronic fatigue/mental health issues, won't do any work in case it impacts their pension etc. I've always known things weren't right with them and tried to forge a path away from them. I left home early, went to uni and worked and tried to make something of myself, and they have mocked me for being little miss goody two shoes, criticised me for being too (insert insult here) even though I have tried to help each of them repeatedly without success.

I've faked normal for years even though I know my brain is also a bit messed up. Depression and anxiety are constants for me, despite going to therapy and taking antidepressants. I don't know what else I can do to try to help myself.

I think every night when I am in bed that I wish I could just die in my sleep. I feel like I can't actually say that IRL or everyone overreacts, so I just keep it to myself.... thought I'd try writing it on a random anonymous forum tonight 🙂 I am not suicidal - I don't have any plans to harm or k-i-ll myself, and these thoughts have been going on for years with me never acting on them. It just makes me think 'what's the point of this life we live anyway?' We are born, we struggle, we die. For what? What's the point?

7 replies

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In response to: Whats the point of it all

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor03 Sept 2022, 10:51 pm AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

I hear what you are saying @BatOuttaHell . I lived that way for years. I was living to die. I hated life. I wanted to die. I tried many times. Depression hit me and kept me down like a ton of bricks.

I tried many meds. I don’t even know what became of the meds. I was too out of it. I stayed away from people as much as I could. I also faked normal.

Id drag myself out of the house and work, put a smile on while dying inside. I’d then rush home and hide in my room and pretend I was tired and sleeping so people wouldn’t talk to me. But all this was depression speaking so loudly.

A decade on, during a serious attempt, I was hanging between life and death. I had to make the choice.

As much as I wanted death, life was rearing it’s head. I chose life (don’t know why). This is when, as a person in their 30s, I started looking and seeking help. Real help this time.

I don’t know why, but the public system took me under their wings and after years of treatment, I can honestly say, I love living. I thrive each day and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope you will also find that space.

I really appreciate you sharing your story @BatOuttaHell . Be strong! You may not know the point of living now, but I believe it will one day become clear.

In response to: Whats the point of it all

NatureLoverSenior Contributor04 Sept 2022, 6:51 am AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

Hi and welcome, @BatOuttaHell , it's good you've joined, where people can understand what you're going through.

Well done for making something of yourself despite your family background and their abuse.

I think one point of life is it can get better and be enjoyable. I want to add my voice to @BPDSurvivor 's and say that I enjoy my life now, despite being intensely suicidal most of my life, with 3 suicide attempts when I was young. (I'm 51 now) I haven't been suicidal now for 14 years, although I do have 6 MIs (mental illnesses).

One thing that helped me was I got a lot of healing from my childhood (actually lifelong) severe emotional abuse, through years of therapy.

I hope life turns around for you, @BatOuttaHell ...

In response to: Re: Whats the point of it all

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor04 Sept 2022, 11:44 am AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

That’s amazing @NatureLover . You are so strong.

Hi @BatOuttaHell

In response to: Whats the point of it all

Sas1Casual Contributor04 Sept 2022, 1:45 pm AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

Thank you for sharing this. I often wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. Like you I would never act on it. I too wonder what the point is. I figure that every day is a new day and this won't be forever. I hope that for you too.

In response to: Re: Whats the point of it all

NatureLoverSenior Contributor05 Sept 2022, 7:16 am AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

@BPDSurvivor wrote:
That’s amazing @NatureLover . You are so strong.

Aww, thanks, @BPDSurvivor . I don't know about strong...I know I got lucky with 2 good therapists (one retired), plus when my life collapsed I was able to rebuild it slowly to look completely different and more positive.

It sounds like you did something similar when you decided to choose life... 🙂

In response to: Re: Whats the point of it all

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor05 Sept 2022, 10:24 pm AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

Certainly sounds about right @NatureLover . I like the idea of ‘rebuilding’ life. It makes so much sense.

Even today, I’m in absolute awe at how much I’ve changed. It’s like I’ve had a brain exchange without me even knowing! I can’t even put into words the process of what happened.

I just know the evidence is there.

In response to: Re: Whats the point of it all

NatureLoverSenior Contributor06 Sept 2022, 7:15 am AEST

Re: Whats the point of it all

@BPDSurvivor wrote:
Even today, I’m in absolute awe at how much I’ve changed. It’s like I’ve had a brain exchange without me even knowing! I can’t even put into words the process of what happened.

I just know the evidence is there.

So pleased and happy to read this, @BPDSurvivor ! 🙂 You're an inspiration.

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