I'm scared

I hope this is okay to post. I don't know where else to turn. My fiance randomly left me after over half a decade together, a mortgage and our wedding around the corner (he would have been my husband years ago if not for covid). He told me he loved me that morning and then just packed a bag and left that night saying I've done nothing wrong but he can't treat me as an equal until he "sorts himself out", he was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship. I've had to cancel our wedding and house build. He has continued to keep me "on the hook", he intentionally showed me photos of us happy together and asked me to dinner to the very romantic restaurant he took me for valentine's day. He's saying he doesn't love me romantically anymore but I'm the only one he can see himself spending his life with, but he doesn't think we will get back together as life will take us in different directions BUT he wants to see if there's still a spark between us.

We caught up last night and I told him how much I've been struggling with depression and serious suicidal thoughts. He later initiated intimacy, and I was so hopeful this meant that he wanted to work on things. Then this morning he gave the 'no strings attached ' speech and I feel like a one night stand that's just been used. How after six years of me standing by and supporting him can he hear that I'm suicidal and still decide to hurt me like that. I now feel even more worthless and like there's literally no point anymore. Every single day, every minute I just feel this intense grief and I don't know how much longer I can keep going for. I'm absolutely breaking. I never thought I'd feel this way over a relationship. Most people have suicidal thoughts at one stage or another but I'm googling how to do it and mentally making plans, I'm honestly scared of what I'd do in a really bad moment.