Some truth

I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. Hiding from everyone how low I am getting. Trying to hide it from myself...

Mum's asking how I am. I lie and say I'm tired. Had treatment today, so it's not a total lie.

...Got my cousin's funeral Monday. We're flying up tomorrow. At least it will be an excuse to cry...

I see my psychiatrist fortnightly. But I've been seeing her for 30 years. We just talk shite now and she manages the bloods and writes the scripts I need.

I speak to my psychologist every few weeks, but it's still on the phone (thanks Covid!) so I sit in my car, talk and basically get nowhere.

I do group therapy weekly, but I've been doing it so long...it Is helpful, but I don't put in the work outside of the sessions.

I'm safe. Very safe. But not waking up tomorrow would be wonderful. I just have no desire to continue. Nothing to work towards. I wish my cancer would come back and force me to fight for life...rather than this apathetic slide into oblivion...

...Anyway, I'll leave this here for now. I don't want to be too melodramatic, but I needed to get this out somewhere, somehow.

Thanks for reading

PS I'm about to have dinner, so will check back in later. No alarm necessary if I don't respond straight away, should anyone respond to this 🙂