A mental health worker with mental illness. A double isolator.

Hi there,

I have to admit that this entry did not start out with the title in mind. But it is a running ribbon throughout my feelings of isolation and despair. I just picked up my phone again, as have been rocking back and forth trying to get thorugh to Samaritans but they are busy, understandably. And with Mental Health Week and all....

Well, let's get to it then. I have major depressive disorder with anxiety and specific phobias. I first realised fully I was depressed 15 years ago when I lost my fiance to cancer, and was walking that bit too late around the corner as the bus turned, in case it could hit me and it look like an accident. My anxiety started at this time too, generally about people close to me dying, but also about myself getting cancer, which was a real juxtaposition I suppose. I got help, meds, therapy.

I met my life partner 5 years later, and now have a gorgeous but hard work 6 yr old boy with ADHD and some autistic symptomology. My husband works in the mines, fly in-fly out (FIFO). This is the only life I have known with him.

I am a counsellor, with degrees in counselling and psychology, as well as communications. Before our boy came along I was a very successful lecturer, educator, public speaker etc on Mental Health/Illness. Ironic.

Our boy came along and very long story short I fell into my next big depression. But I would not see a doctor. I saw energy workers and eventually my GP, who prescribed SSRI's which I took for a few days, if that then stopped as I 'wasn't realy depressed' and they made me feel sick. But I did see a psychologist, which was hard.

I returned hard to depression over 2 years ago. It was Easter. I couldn't stop crying and felt nothing but anguish, which I know many of you will understand. It took about 4 months for me to tell my husband and my parents. My mum was a psychologist, funnily enough.

Meds helped, then they stopped. I now take a different one, which worked for about three months and then stopped. This is when I joined this grooup. And it really did help, which is why I'm typing away right now. You guys really do help me feel that bit less disconnected, so Thank You. They trippled my meds, and now I'm better than I was. But I'm still there with the voice saying end it. I'm still alone over half the year with our boy, in a small place, and no-one to talk to.

The thing is, some psychs refer to me. And I refer my clients to GP's etc. I live in a very small country town. So I find it very hard to reach out to professionals for help. I see my first ever psychiatrist in about a week, which is something I've really wanted, but also feel shameful about. I have a new referral for a psychologist in the next town, who won't know me professionally, and I've seen my GP. I've also let a couple of people in a bit about the fact I have depression.

I guess this is actually quite a positive post! Far out! I've been REALLY low. I tweeked my meds, which is now starting to help, I've tried to break down the STIGMA by sharing my story with a couple of safe people, and I've got professional help in place.

You should have seen me - rocking back and forth before I started to log on to this safe space. Call centres were busy, as I said, and I needed to stop the voices of depression, which were building. Then I wrote, and wrote. I guess my only message to any of you out there, NOT that you need it necessarily, is that there are psychs and therapists out there who also really really struggle with the stigma of mental illness, and feel trapped. Being in the field is not necessarily a 'good' thing.

I'm thinking of all of you who are struggling right now, or are okay, but aren't always. PLEASE use this forum. It is so beneficial, and together we CAN help each other. I know I feel supported when people respond. But if they don't respong, don't get to deep in that either. I have, but we are on different time zones, different journeys and in different emotional/psychological places. People get what they get from this, and so can you, if you're reading this and new, or not sure. Just writing this has felt great, and less lonely. So Thank You if you beared with my typing mind dump, but I did it to get out of a bad place, and it worked. And just because of that fact, I'm not going to delete, as I thought I would, but post. You are NOT alone. From me x