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My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Sam0Casual Contributor28 July 2022, 8:20 pm AEST

My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hi. My partner is slipping into serious alcoholism and I need help, I don't know what to do I am at a loss.

I have been with my partner for 7 years and he is my life partner. I can't imagine life without him. But I am watching him sink deeper into alcoholism every day. It has been gradual and it has been acknowledged in the past that he loves drinking and has trouble only having one drink if going out. He has never been the designated driver, and if I go out with friends I could count on one hand the number of times he has been able to pick me up, because he has always had too much to drink. or if he is the designated driver, we end up having to get an uber home. I can't remember when it got out of hand, it was slow but the conversation of him 'needing to drink less' has always been around. He is not a violent or angry drunk, I am not in danger. The issue is that it is now significantly affecting his health, and I am worried it is just going to keep getting worse until something drastic happens. He is 30, now overweight, never exercises, eats crap, and falls asleep most days when he gets home from work. He used to be healthy, exercised, ate well and cared about looking after himself.

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness about 3 months ago. At the same time, he moved across the state (9 - 10 hour car trip from home) for work. When he was home with me, he would still drink heavily and I was always concerned about it but it was never a really really excessive amount (I mean, it was compared to someone who doesnt drink or drink much). But I think he tried to keep it under control as best he could because I suppose with me around there was accountability.

Now, he is drinking an exorbitant amount. I am currently staying in the country town where he is working with him. I can work remotely so this is the second time I have been back to stay for a few weeks. I got here on Saturday (it is now Thursday). He was hungover when I got here on Saturday from drinking on Friday night - it takes ALOT for him to be hungover, so he probably had a few bottles of wine and beer or something along those lines. On Saturday, he had about a bottle and a half of wine plus a few beers. On Sunday, he had a bottle of wine and a few more beers throughout the afternoon and evening. Monday, he only had one beer (because I pointed it out). On Tuesday, he had more. On wednesday, he went out for 'a beer' with some work friends and told me he had even more beers - he also drove, so he would have been over the limit as he wasnt gone long. He got a takeaway bottle of wine from the pub before he came home, and drank an entire bottle of red wine (14.5%) in less than an hour and a half. This has sent me over the edge and I don't know what to do. He is currently out with work friends again for dinner at a pub.
In the past whenever I have brought it up, he always tells me that he needs to come to it on his own terms and also that I go about it the wrong way (which is probably true, in the beginning I would often just get upset or angry - but the further we have gone along there are times I have tried to bring it up whilst actively trying to be extremely compassionate). My dad is an alcoholic. Both of his parents were/are alcoholics. His mum died of a heart attack out of the blue before she was 60.
I spoke online to lifeline earlier and they suggested I look into AI-Anon family groups in my area, they said I don't need to go to a meeting but I could reach out for resources. Is there anything else I can do?? Has anyone been in this situation and can help me. I am really struggling.
As a small side bar - on Saturday this weekend, we have tickets to a Gnocchi and wine lunch at a winery (going with some of his work friends). This was booked before I got here and realised whats going on. I don't want to go to the event anymore. I don't want to enable him drinking, letalone drinking excessively. I was planning on driving anyway because of my health condition at the moment. But I don't know what to do, if I say I don't want to go it will just cause an argument. Should I just go and stay silent?

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In response to: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

tymeModerator29 July 2022, 8:59 pm AEST

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hey @Sam0 ,

He is young for now. His body won't always remain young. By the time his liver is affected, it may be too late.

I support you in whatever decision you decide to make. But one thing, you love the partner that is sober - and probably not the partner that is drunk. The more time drunk, the less of the 'partner' you'll see.

Hugs, tyme

In response to: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

ExhaustedCarerSenior Contributor03 Aug 2022, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Firstly, I am so so sorry to hear this. I’ve just started on these forums because I’ve been looking after my brother with severe chronic alcoholism. If there’s a silver lining in this awful experience - it sounds like you’re getting on top of it at a really important point. My brother drinks vodka excessively each day and has done for too long and it’s an awful place to be. I carry a lot of guilt about not being able to have got him help at an earlier stage. Al-anon suits many people but from my experience - it’s is very focused on becoming free of the alcoholic and sees all support as enabling. My own experience is that I will continue to support my brother and I do not intend on continuing to fight and work with him to get the help he needs. Family Drug Support rungs groups about boundaries and self care but also recognise the role people like us play and want to play in someone’s recovery. Having good support is a vital ingredient for recovery too for the alcoholic. If he can admit he has a problem - that’s a huge step. Getting treatment through the AOD team in your local healthcare network is also really useful. They can link him with everything that is right for him- whether it’s detox; peer groups like smart recovery; rehab options; medication like Antabuse etc. I’ve learnt the hard way that compassion, kindness and understanding go a long way. Yes we’re allowed to be angry and we will have feel volcanic levels of frustration and anger towards them. But it’s not them- it’s their addiction. If we can remind them we love them and they are very unwell and they deserve a good life- that can go a long way. Find the windows of opportunity and pockets of self awareness they’ll have and use them to the greatest extent. I’m battling this still but I have hope things can change ❤️

In response to: Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

tymeModerator03 Aug 2022, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

That was a very heart felt post @ExhaustedCarer . I hear you and the support and insight you can and are offering to others is amazing. I really appreciate your post.

In response to: Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

ExhaustedCarerSenior Contributor03 Aug 2022, 9:22 pm AEST

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

🙏🙏🙏

In response to: Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

ExhaustedCarerSenior Contributor04 Aug 2022, 6:47 am AEST

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

One last thing I’ve learnt. If his goal ends up being abstinence and he recognises he can’t do controlled or moderated drinking, having alcohol in the house at all is a massive trigger. My brother has decided for himself and been advised by professionals that basically being in a house where people drink is just not an option for him. I myself have gone completely sober in support of him, but also just because alcohol itself has become a massive trigger for me & I now have an utter loathing of the alcohol industry and won’t give them my money. It might not be your experience of needs at all, but just wanted to share that that can sometimes be part of the support required.

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