Letting it out

TW: Mentions abuse

I haven’t shared this with anyone before. I don’t even know what I want out of it, but here we go…

I was molested by my older brother when I was 7 years old. I don’t know exactly how many times it happened, I can recall two separate occasions so I imagine only 2-3 times. He bribed me for it to happen and for my silence. Of course I couldn’t tell anyone anyway. I knew it was wrong. I was terrified of anyone finding out. I remember my sister saying something during this time and my heart stopping because it felt like she knew.

Life went on. I felt that it didn’t have much of an effect on my life.

When I was 16 I tried having sex but I was unable to. At the time I thought there was something medically wrong with me or it was from fear because I was raised in a religious community where sex before marriage was forbidden.

When I was engaged, I went to a gynaecologist to check that I would even be able to have sex. I was concerned there was something wrong with me because of what happened when I was 16 and because I wasn’t able to insert a tampon. The gynaecologist told me everything looked fine.

I got married. We were not able to have sex. I started to hate even being touched by him. I then learned that I had vaginismus. I tried a sex therapist and dilators but neither worked. I was desperate for a child so we did IVF. When my son was a baby, I discovered amyl and was finally able to have sex. It was still painful and I hated it (not that I told my husband) but I could do it.

Clearly I was impacted by what happened. I am angry and resentful. I have no sex drive. It has affected my relationship with my husband.

My brother was only 14 when he did this to me. I felt like he was an adult at the time but he wasn’t. Really he was just a child himself. For this reason, I don’t feel like I have the same right to even call it “sexual abuse” or to feel the way that others do when the person was an uncle, a teacher, a family friend…