Navigating a hiccup or two

Hey forumites

I have realsied that for a long time I have put up defence mechanisms to prevent my love life from actually developing. For a while I thought it was coz I hadn't met the right person. But I have realsied that the issue is really that I've put up defence mechanism

Last night my partner said that it was good to speak to me for just 5 minutes. I straight away told her that I didn't want her to suffocate me. I didn't think at the time and this hurt her. I felt terrible and this morning I have spent some time reflecting on things.

I realsied that she was having a rough time and just wanted to speak with me. That's it. So I apologised and explained that I said what I said because I went I logical analytical overdrive. Where I just try to understand what she meant by what she said. The smarter thing would be to ask her what she meant by it.

I have explained this to her today and she is very busy working today.

As long as I am honest.

I know she has a therapist online. I also told her I had one.

I think it'll be okay after this message. But even if it isn't, I am being HONEST. and this is what I have craved.

I have many other things to ask and talk with her about but it is better to wait until I hear back from her.

Navigation of hiccups like this is hard. But I think its maturity and also about honesty.

Again - I would rather be rejected for being myself rather than accepted for who I am not. And I am not a liar or a cheater or an evil person. I'm just hurting from past emotional trauma and also when someone I used to date tried to abuse me physically.

This morning has been very tough I guess