Sexual Disinterest Partner with BPD and more

Hello, I’m new here and thrilled I found this.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years and had known him prior to that for many years through mutual hobbies/friends. I knew he had depression/suicidal ideologies/panic disorder and anxiety disorder. I think he’s dual diagnosis because of long standing alcoholism.

He takes very high doses of prescribed slow release serequel and anti depressants.

We moved in together in February. It took a really long time for him to process.

He has not seen a psychiatrist for a few years now so trying to assist with choosing one and appointment.

I did break up with him in March 2021 after 2 weeks of multiple calls a day filled with anger/argumentative/nasty phone calls when I was packing to move. I needed help sorting and packing because of my own Heath issues but he was a few hours away and wasn’t coping with the change.

He apologised and we worked through a lot of issues. I have educated myself since then regarding BPD and while the bad days are horrific and the good days are wonderful.

The problem? Sex…or lack thereof. From when we first met up again in person, I tried hard initiating sex in a million ways or even things like taking a shower together. There’s only so much rejection I can handle. It’s heartbreaking. It just makes me cry and cry.

All his past psychiatrists/psychologists etc say a lot of his behaviours and whole chunks of his childhood blacked out point to sexual abuse.

He was married for about 10 years, married in his early 20’s. Later he went through a stage in the past where he said he had casual sex with about 80 women and these hook ups were fortnightly at a minimum. He’s a professional musician and said every gig there would be women throwing themselves at him and would do just about anything to go home with him. There’s no cheating going on, I know that as he never has cheated when in a relationship.

He wasn’t in any relationship for the 3 years before me. He’s happily told me about various ladies names and details of of the amazing sexual experiences he’s had. Not just once but repeatedly. At least a few times a week every week.

It also came out recently that on a couple of occasions, women would be partying at their house (all the band lived in a share house)…they would come into his bedroom where he’d be watching TV and he’d be drunk. He remembers one time in particular he told a lady he needed to sleep. She started playing with him and he said no he just wanted to sleep. So despite making him hard, he did not want sex and she jumped on him. Male rape from females is rarely discussed but to cut a very long story short, it happened a few times and deeply troubled him (naturally).

In my own previous long term relationships, I have been told things about that person’s previous sex life. But it didn’t bother me because I had what I would consider a healthy sex life - on average a couple of times a week (I’m in the 50-60 age bracket but have a pretty healthy sex drive) and in between times, intimacy such as holding each other/cuddling/massage and it made me felt desired plus is a great natural pain reliever.

He apologises from time to time and initially said he had extreme anxiety around erectile dysfunction and sexual performance. He’s apologised for not ‘servicing’ me (sounds like a boring chore on a list); not pleasuring me; says it’s ‘probably about time’. He says he doesn’t think about sex - but he does. He has admitted to fairly frequent mastubating so I told him that is a good thing, we all do it BUT I said I think we should be having sex more than he mastubates.

Eventually, he said he will come to me…but he doesn’t. The one time I initiated sex after we’d been together a few months he sighed and didn’t seem interested but we had sex and it was completely mechanical, devoid of feeling. I’ve told him I’m up for it anytime. I’d happily wake up in the night if he woke me up for sex.

When we have sex it is great for both of us. He sleeps separately (severe insomnia and needs TV on to sleep) but I said at one point that he does need to climb into bed with me for non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, snuggling to try to start breaking down the barriers.

To make sure it wasn’t in my head, I kept a note of dates. We’ve had sex 5 times this year. I am starting to slowly hate some of these women I hear about. I want to be on the receiving end of the intimacy he has had and talks about with great enthusiasm.

I’ve talked to him about this and he told me it’s my issue re him talking about other women in this context constantly.

Other times when I bring this up he says he not only loves me but also finds me desirable and ‘likes what he sees’. He wakes me up most days if he wakes up beautifully and gently, and sits on the edge of my bed and gives me a hug and a kiss..and that is all.

This might seem trivial but as far as I am concerned, I can’t see how we are going to get past this as it has the potential to break us up for good. I tell him mastubating gives the sexual release but does nothing to strengthen the bond between us and release all those happy hormones. Plus I think pillow talk is really important. Things get talked about that wouldn’t otherwise.

We only have a window before 10am each day. He says once he takes the serequel (which has helped him stop drinking) he cannot have sex.

One day I even went so far as saying ‘I don’t even know where you like to be touched’ and he replied ‘everywhere’. Not helpful and he completely missed the point. He has said how good it was when he was married because he could give his wife multiple satisfaction;

they slept in every room in the house etc (20-30 years ago). I told him we can easily get to that stage, but he initiates sex so rarely, it feels like we are starting from the beginning again, so it’s all very stock standard. He does satisfy me first on the rare occasions we’ve had sex.

I wondered if those of you in a relationship with someone with BPD have a virtually non-existent sex life and what can be done about it. Is it a self defence mechanism because of fear of abandonment?

Do people with BPD fluctuate from being hypersexual to asexual? He says he thinks of actively having sex about every 6 weeks. At the moment it has been 2 months. Every scenario runs through my head - I’m ugly, I’m unattractive, maybe he’s emotionally cheating???

I do love him deeply. I need the companionship but I need physical intimacy. I cry a lot these days. Despite his reassurances, It’s making me feel insecure and anxious. He got angry at me for what he sees as ‘fishing for compliments’ and I realised I do in fact do this. I need some reassurance that he finds me attractive and I don’t get that in bed so yes I guess I do.

Please help with your own story if you can relate - or tell me what I might be able to try to get a spark going. It’s been sparse sex since the beginning but being told he’s getting there’ after 2 years???? Really? We were together for 6 months in 2020 and had sex 4 times. I’m not obsessed with sex but it has become an issue. He doesn’t like to go out, he doesn’t want to have sex. The TV is on 24/7 and if he could sleep with the TV he probably would.

I’m miserable and feeling like I should tell him he doesn’t have to be with me and is free to leave at any time because I can’t see he’s fully engaged in our relationship. Sorry so long and I hope this makes sense as I’m crying and desperately miserable. Thanks