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Every day is like the day before

ViolacorsoContributor20 July 2022, 11:36 am AEST

Every day is like the day before

I’m struggling.
I apologise for my random rambles that most likely won’t make sense, I just need to express each thought that comes to my mind as they do.

It has been months now and I am still waiting to see a new psychiatrist.
I recently moved interstate and I’m finding it incredibly hard to live each day with purpose, even a feeling other than numbness and this never ending internal silence that’s having power over my mind and body.
I feel this overwhelming energy that needs to come out of my body but I can’t let myself. It’s always been easy for me to cry, but lately I just can’t.

I’m not depressed, I’m just nothing.

I have multiple complex diagnosis- PTSD, ADHD, BPD and generalised anxiety. Currently unmedicated. Perhaps that’s the issue. I am 34 this year and ever since the tender age of 14 I was shoved on medications because my family GP said I was depressed- maybe it was because I lived in a family setting where my mother was an alcoholic and unmedicated bipolar mess. But let’s ignore that. I wonder what my life would be like if she was treated to begin with and not me….

I went for a 2 hour walk two days ago- nothing…. No feelings of anything.

My hobby is abstract painting, I now feel nothing with that.

the ONLY emotion I seem to feel is anxiety. The impending doom as soon as I open my eyes of a morning. Replying to a text message is too much. The tasks are building up, I can’t handle anything! I’m becoming increasingly forgetful, motionless, agitated and uneasy with everything each and every day.

I barely leave my house and I don’t care to leave the house.
I don’t think this is going to stop or at least ease up any time soon.

I’m in so much chronic pain, I’m just in a constant state of suffering.

I truly cannot see a future for myself. I can’t envision a life where I know what normality is.

4 replies

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In response to: Every day is like the day before

PaperdaisySenior Contributor20 July 2022, 11:45 am AEST

Re: Every day is like the day before

Hey @Violacorso I can see you're in a really difficult place right now and I'm sorry to read that.

Do you have anyone around you to support you? Waiting for healthcare is so hard and I can see you are trying to do the right thing for yourself. Very frustrating I can imagine.

I'm going to check in with you via email.

Paperdaisy 🌸

In response to: Every day is like the day before

hanamiSenior Contributor20 July 2022, 1:38 pm AEST

Re: Every day is like the day before

Hi @Violacorso

I'm so sorry to read about your constant state of feeling nothing. I imagine it must be so awful for you.

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending hope for you.

Waiting to get health care is so tiresome. When I was waiting to see my psychiatrist I asked to be put on the cancellation list and ended up getting in much sooner. You may have already done this but just thought I'd let you know it's an idea.

Hugs

Hanami

In response to: Every day is like the day before

BowSenior Contributor20 July 2022, 2:32 pm AEST

Re: Every day is like the day before

Hey @Violacorso

I can relate to a lot of what you have shared, especially that impending doom every morning when you wake up. I use to feel that every morning, it was horrible. I hated going to bed of a night cause I know I would be faced with that same feeling in the morning.

I’m really sorry about the way that you grew up and having medication shoved in your face all the time, all the while having to deal with your mum. I think a lot of us would like to see how our lives would of been different if just one thing was different in our childhood. I know I would.

ive been where you are.... and I’m sure I’ll be there again, but know that things can get better. Hopefully once you get in to see a psychiatrist they will have something helpful to say and things will start on the up.

🎀

In response to: Every day is like the day before

tymeModerator20 July 2022, 5:11 pm AEST

Re: Every day is like the day before

I hear you @Violacorso .

Thank you for letting us into your life at this difficult time. From all this, sometimes a big hug is needed.

So here's an e-hug to you (if you'd accept).

Your story seems so similar to mine - the PTSD and BPD side of things. For me was like the walking dead - alive, yet having no feeling. No sense of what was happening in the world. Void of emotion. Yet heightened by anxiety and the need to conform to the world's standards.

Over time, it was psychotherapy coupled with a changed mindset that gave me a new lease on life.

After having so many different therapists, I finally 'clicked' with a particular one and that's when the real work started.

I hope you will also find the supports you deserve.

I look forward to hearing how you go.

tyme

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