Undiagnosed Pw BPD Wife. Stay of Leave

Hi @Tryingmybest66

Welcome to the forums! It's so great you've reached out for support regarding your situation. It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment and I want you to know that we are all here for you. It must be so challenging to know what to do right now. I'll link you to Carer's Gateway which is a great place for people supporting those with mental health issues. There is also a great resource here called Project Air.. They offer specific information for people to find out about BPD. I hope both of those are of some help. I'll add a tag to your post of 'borderline personality disorder' so others who feel that can support you can reach out and if you click on the tag it will take you to posts and info about BPD.

Sending hugs

Hanami 💮

Hi @Tryingmybest66,

Welcome to the forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It's great you have reached out and shared your story, it sounds like you have been going through a really hard time over the last few years.

I think it's great that you have reached out to a therapist so you can unpack what has been going on in your relationship. Having a professional to share things with in a safe space is a great way to help untangle your thinking and maybe get some insight into what is going on with you, your wife and your marriage.

From what you have written I can see that you care for your wife and your son very much. It's sounds like you are trying your best to turn this around but I would imagine it is hard if you are the only one who wants to / thinks it needs to be turned around.

A close family member of mine suffers from a serious mental health condition and I am his main support person (outside his professional team). What I didn't realise for many years that while I was caring for my family member I also needed support and care to. It's great that you have found our carers forum site and I would encourage you to keep reaching out for support. There are many wonderful forum members at SANE who can offer insight from many different perspectives.

I wish you and your family all the very best. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

Hi @Tryingmybest66 ,

I can hear the turmoil going on not only in your home but in your life.

I am speaking from someone with lived experience of BPD and yes, the behaviours you have described are very consistent with what mine were. However, we are not here to diagnose. We are here to share our experiences to determine what will help you at this time.

Unfortunately, it is hard to help a person who doesn't see there's an issue. Unless the person wants to change, it will be difficult to seek assistance FOR her. Does your wife realise something isn't working in the relationship?

I believe boundary-setting is one of the key things to supporting a person with BPD. Here's a thread to support carers of people with BPD LIVE CHAT: BPD for Friends, Family and Carers - This Sunday 3rd October 7:00-8:30pm AEDT .

You are also welcome to read Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

To let you know, BPD is VERY treatable. Just hold on. There is hope.

tyme

Hi @Tryingmybest66

...and peer workers,

I just joined the forum and searched for a thread like this.

I would like to add my experience as it sounds very similar to yours. I hope you are able to get support and work through your situation. Unfortunately my situation is extreme so it may not be something that will help you but and I am here as I am needing support myself.
My relationship ended earlier this year as my position as a husband (of 17 years) and father of 3 had become untenable for reasons similar to yours. My former partner made my life unbearable due to her persistent and pervasive need to control every aspect of my life with her. From huge over reactions to minor problems, isolating me from my family and friends, to controlling my spending, to undermining, taunting and demeaning me in front of our kids. I did a lot for her, but what ever I did it was never good enough. She would often tell me to leave (in front of the kids) and say things like that I was making her life a misery. We had marriage counselling and I had individual counselling through work - both professionals identified systematic emotional manipulation and abuse, and advised me to leave immediately. I stayed longer than I could - trying to make it work for the kids but ultimately I needed to leave to look after myself.

The day after I left, she tried to invite me back - this was a pattern throughout the relationship.
Now that I have left, my former partner has continued to drive the children away from me. She has controlled my time with them to the point that I’ve not seen the three kids independently for nearly 5 months. She’s only letting me see them for 2 hours a week and this is with her and other members of her family present. I feel like I’ve been erased from the lives of my kids. There is no legal reason why I can’t see them - in fact I’m a school teacher. I have resorted to getting a lawyer to try to get access the kids but this has just made things worse. My only option is now to go to court which is only going to break us and cause even more stress.

My former wife never disclosed a diagnosis to me - if she had, maybe we would have been able to manage it together. I would like to know some ways I can support her now, and help her to see that I am not a risk or a threat to the kids, but in fact a loving father who needs to see his kids and they need their dad.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks

Hi @Marty34 I'm sorry you have experienced the other side of this. It's so hard to understand someone elses mental health when you're being treated as you describe. After 17 years and 3 children, it sounds like you have put up with a lot. You did well to try and make it work for as long as you did.

It sound like you have taken the necessary steps to gain access to your children but as you say it will be stressful. Do you have anyone to support you through this?

I'm wondering if Relationships Australia would have any advice on how to navigate all of this. I wish I could offer more and hopefully some others will be able to offer some support and advice.

Wishing you all the best 💝

Thanks Paper daisy,

yes I’m very lucky I’ve got a supportive family, colleagues and friends who are helping me through. I’m getting a mental health care plan so I can work with a psychologist todeal with my anxiety around the relationship and the loss of my kids. I’ve been exercising a lot to and trying to do things I love.
It’s hard because my former partner doesn’t appear to believe she’s been unfair or unreasonable either in the relationship or now. She has clearly devalued me to the point where I’m ‘hated’ by the kids too. She appears like she truly believes she is the victim, even though she has the children, the house, and the money. It feels like she is not able to feel empathy for me. It’s like I’m ‘fair game’ in her eyes.

I’m not angry with her, I just want the opportunity to tell my kids I love them and left because what they were witness to was not a healthy relationship. I wouldn’t want them to have that kind of relationship in their lives. I just need a way to work with / convince my former partner that I’m not to be feared but that I can be a support to her - just in a different way.
Thanks for the advice - I have already had a chat with relationships Australia but will try again.

How are things going for you @Tryingmybest66 ? I just wanted to check-in as we haven't heard from you in a while.

HI @Marty34 ,

I wanted to check-in with you too. How are you?