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I think I’m lost and/or confused

PocketRocket88Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 2:27 am AEST

I think I’m lost and/or confused

For the past hour or so, I’ve been trying to reach out and talk to someone in the crisis helplines and it seemed like they’re all busy…

So you’s are probably wondering why I’m still awake at this ungodly hour? Well, it’s because I felt that I need to use drugs to keep me away from these intrusive nagging awful ideas and thoughts… even then they still seem to push their way forward in my brain…so what I’ve been doing to keep my brain and myself preoccupied is to go to the pub and gamble… I wish luck was on my side but it wasn’t…. So now, I’m feeling anxious, frustrated and annoyed at myself because of the bad decisions I’ve made today alone… the only plus side of it all is probably the fact that I’m still here and haven’t done anything to hurt myself YET!!!

It’s day 1 out of 4 days off from work… I’m worried that because I have all these free time to fill that I just don’t know what to do with myself over the next few days plus I wouldn’t probably want to go out in this kind of weather…

I feel that I have things to accomplish over these next few days but I just don’t know what those are…

I live alone, rarely talks or checkin with my family who lives far from me, haven’t seen them for a month now, I only have 1 friend and I’ve been staying there a lot lately because the thought of being at home scares me… so why am I afraid to go home and be at home most of the time? Coz it’s when I’m home alone is when it’s a real struggle to fight and resist these nagging intrusive thoughts and urges…

I have a safety plan with my community mental health support for when I’m in crisis or in this position but it is in these moments I struggle to follow thru the safety plan but instead (and more than often) I just chose to do the ‘other’ Plan instead…

so I don’t know what I’m trying to aim with this post and this post might sound unclear or confusing…. I don’t even know where or what I’m doing at this very moment… I don’t even know if Im at risk or I pose a risk to myself or not… I think I’m confused or lost…

17 replies

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In response to: I think I’m lost and/or confused

Eden1919Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 2:50 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment and that the crisis lines are busy. Do you have something like Netflix where you could watch a tv series or are you not much into tv? When I am trying to distract myself from intrusive thoughts I usually have to find something that takes all my concentration to focus on but it is hard at this time of the night to find activities. What sorts of things do you like doing? And if writing out your feelings is helpful then feel free to do that to here or in a journal. Sorry I am not much help but I hope you can get some rest tonight at least.

In response to: I think I’m lost and/or confused

ZahliaSenior Contributor05 July 2022, 3:08 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

Hey @PocketRocket88 💜

Sounds like a very rough day for you, no wonder you can't sleep.

I just sent you an email to check in with you personally, and really encourage you to pull up that safety plan. What sorts of things on there can you do right now to bring yourself down from the bad place?

Zahlia ☕

In response to: I think I’m lost and/or confused

NatureLoverSenior Contributor05 July 2022, 6:50 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

@PocketRocket88 I know you're really struggling, and that these 4 days off work sound very difficult...

But I want to say how much better you sound than when you were posting a year or more ago. I don't know if that's helpful, please ignore if not...

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

PocketRocket88Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 6:59 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

I’m struggling to comprehend all of this atm… And I feel it’s because of me feeling like this is making me think of the bad things more… I think I’m losing control of everything right now… I haven’t slept, I don’t know what I’m doing nor what I’m trying to do… Nothings making sense to me right now… I’ve spoke to someone from beyond blue just to realise that I don’t even know why I was there in the first place…. I don’t know if I’m safe, or I’ll be safe but I also dont know what I wanna do with myself

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

PocketRocket88Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 7:05 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

I feel that I sound pathetic right now…. And that feeling isn’t sitting with me properly…

im sorry for bothering you all with my pathetic struggle…

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

NatureLoverSenior Contributor05 July 2022, 7:35 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

Your struggle isn't pathetic, @PocketRocket88 ...it's very real, and we can all empathise with mental health struggles, they can be horrendous.

In response to: I think I’m lost and/or confused

MaruluContributor05 July 2022, 8:17 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

Hi @PocketRocket88

What you talked about in your last post sounds like you are going through a really distressing time. It can be frustrating when all of the crisis lines are busy. If you are feeling like you might be at risk of hurting yourself I have found the suicide call back line to be the most helpful.

I can understand how it feels to feel worse when you are alone at home. I have a similar experience.

Let me know if you would like to know about some strategies that help me when I am feeling distressed and lonely at home. You might find them helpful.

Kind regards,

Marulu

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

PocketRocket88Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 9:09 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

I don’t think I can do anything but ruminate in my own head, and try to figure out what the heck I’m doing… I will definitely try be as safe as I can but whatever is going on with and around me right now is making it really hard to ignore… These thoughts are very realistic and the urge is definitely up there… I think I need to force myself to sleep but it’ll be dangerous coz once pop one I may not stop… so do I take the risk and hope for the best or do nothing…. It’s driving me mental and it’s driving me (actually pushing me.,) to the very edge which I’m nearly there…

I just need a little slither of hope right now, coz it seemed that this is the only way… And funny part is I’m not afraid of whatever happens to me… if it happens it happens no matter what the outcome and repercussion of my action…

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor05 July 2022, 9:11 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

Hi @PocketRocket88 , I used to have similar struggles on the weekends when I wasn’t working.

With my treating team, I worked on scheduling activities for the times off work. Have you tried that? Also, I’d have Telehealth appointments booked in on Mondays so that I’d have to take up the responsibility of staying alive in order to make that appointment.

My driver is underpinned by my values that if I make an appointment, I keep it. Hence, that was my protective factor and kept me safe. I had weekly psychologist appointments back then too.

What’s your protective factor/s that aligns with your values? It’s something good to think about for yourself.

BPDSurvivor

In response to: Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

PocketRocket88Senior Contributor05 July 2022, 9:49 am AEST

Re: I think I’m lost and/or confused

TW: Suicidal ideation and strong Suicide Urges

I too was diagnosed with BPD hence the bad coping mechanism when things gets tough…

I will try and give anything that could possibly help but it’ll be hard to actually do…

I feel that once again, I’m in trouble… I feel like this is a losing battle for me… I wish I can say otherwise but that’s how it feel to me right now…

I just want to get off this bad and horrendous loop that I constantly ride them gets me stuck in that cycle…

im actually tired of constantly feeling like this, having to fight my own head just to survive the day… im losing motivation to ever reaching out and getting some support… why does it have to be this hard to survive…

p.s apologies for being so negative…

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