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Trying not to react

Kit101New Contributor03 July 2022, 3:38 pm AEST

Trying not to react

Hi I'm new to this forum but looking for support. My sister has undiagnosed BPD and paranoia so that she reads threat into almost everything I say. She is mildly abusive in he communication with me, I know it's not useful for me to attack her back & try and be hurtful which was a pattern we were in in our early life. I haven't had much contact with her as a result but our father is sick and I have to see her. He lives in a rural town & I'm trying to negotiate phone calls & contact. I actually feel nervous & on edge about any contact with her. I try to ingnore & not react when she is putting me down. I'm wondering if it would be useful to try and let her know that I feel hurt in response to her comment at the time she makes them. I have done this in the past she usually gets angry & escalates her attack with justifications of why I am not good. Any ideas of good ways to proceed. I found out that she was abused physically as a very young child, so I understand where her sense of threat originally came from but I don't want to tell her what I know as I think it might be devastating. She did try therapy but it didn't go well now she said she doesn't believe it could help her and feels angry about her past experience of it. I'm scared as she hasn't got any friends that I know of to support her.

4 replies

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In response to: Trying not to react

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor03 July 2022, 8:08 pm AEST

Re: Trying not to react

Hey there @Kit101 . I'm no expert but I'm learning and I think you're asking a lot of the right questions. For your friend and for you. We have a fair bit of BPD traffic at a lot of times, so I recommend you keep checking in for the wisdom of lived experience.

Knowing the "hot-spots" is a thing that I've been learning about, but I'm still working out how to make hot-spot maps and hot-spot response strategies. I'm often really impressed in BPD support workers. They do have the maps. Like wizards, they are. Wizards.

In response to: Re: Trying not to react

Kit101New Contributor03 July 2022, 11:33 pm AEST

Re: Trying not to react

Thanks, appreciate your post. I would really welcome some lived experience idea on this.

In response to: Trying not to react

FloatingFeatherSenior Contributor04 July 2022, 12:10 pm AEST

Re: Trying not to react

Hi @Kit101,

Welcome to the forums. I am FloatingFeather, one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is great that you are reaching out and sharing your story.

I'm sorry to read what you are going through at the moment with your sister and your father. It sounds like a very difficult position to be in. Your feelings of being on edge and nervous when reaching out to your sister makes sense. Engaging with someone who can be abusive or confrontational isn't easy or comfortable, particularly in a situation when your dad isn't well.

From what you say it sounds plausible that your sister is so defensive due to her past trauma. It sounds like she has been through a really difficult time too.

When I have interacted with challenging people in the past I typically `take their temperature' and base my response of that. What I mean by that is if when you start talking with your sister and you can tell she is agitated / combative I would just talk to her regarding what you need to know. If your sister seems more open to a chat and not (less) agitated / combative perhaps that is a better time to engage her on a more deeper level. From my experience, when a person is in a highly agitated state and you trying to argue / discuss your perspective with them you are just adding fuel to the fire and giving them more reason to fight with you.

I really do wish you and your family all the best. Please let you know how you are going. There are a lot of wonderful members on the forums who are very supportive and can offer some very valuable insight.

Best Wishes,

FloatingFeather

In response to: Trying not to react

hanamiSenior Contributor04 July 2022, 1:24 pm AEST

Re: Trying not to react

Hi @Kit101

Welcome to the forums! I'm so glad you found us here and hope you can find support for your situation. This resource may be of help to you. It offers a referral service but also has a lot of resources and fact sheets about BPD https://www.uow.edu.au/project-air/helping-others/

Sending hugs

Hanami 💮

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