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Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

MsManagedContributor30 June 2022, 4:44 pm AEST

Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

My daughter has just this Monday (27/6/22) arrived home from hospital & a step down/step up house. She's been a patient since 19/5/22. She was diagnosed with PTSD, BPD & EUPD was mentioned. During her stay I spent 99% of that time cleaning her 2 rooms of hoarding & disorganisation & the mess she left in the lounge room.

Her boyfriend didn't lift a finger "cause he works & drives an hour to & from work" but he was there as phone support for her & visited a few more times than I did.

She mentioned before coming home that "leniency" would "absolutely" need to be given. To which I said to myself 'been giving you that for 27yrs'.

When she arrived home her & the BF unloaded the car load of her things & dumped it in the lounge room. Next few hours was spent showing me dream catchers & other misc art she had done.

24hrs later I asked shall we unpack your bags so we know what kinds of storage we may need? She honestly lovingly said "don't stress mum, I will do it".

To myself I screamed "BUT WHEN????"

Since Monday I've asked, suggested & pretty much lost it saying such things as 'I want some respect' , 'I know you are grateful but I'm not feeling it'. I even had similar talk to the BF, saying if he thinks what I've just done these last weeks is me having a life he is VERY mistaken & that after 8yrs with her she's actually more his responsibility than mine considering their ages etc. Also after everything I've done for him asking him to vac & clean patio once week isn't that much as I cook, menu plan,shop & clean.

My daughter moved her bags into her 2 rooms but didn't unpack as she said she's sure she can live out of them for a few days or weeks until she settles in. Ummm you've left food wrappers in the garage, a corn cob holder stuck in arm of garage couch, not done a single real thing in fact she's gone straight back to how things were before hospital. Messy kitchen bench, cutlery with Vegemite on counter & etc.

After I've spent all these weeks tidying up & organising her things my room has now a mess but please by all means leave salad wrap wrappers on garage couch, I love ants!!

So I truly don't feel at all respected, considered however I really feel taken for granted, used etc.

And that doesn't include silly me lending them money. Nor I've now been told I have parental burnout, carers fatigue and vicarious trauma. (She doesn't know about the last one)

But if I'm wrong I'm open to hearing the other side & being told maybe I'm being a tad selfish.

Thanks for reading & being there.

4 replies

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In response to: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

KrishnaSenior Contributor30 June 2022, 9:40 pm AEST

Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

Hey @MsManaged You’re not being selfish my friend. I had the same issues with my girl, simply no respect or the slightest sign of appreciation for the effort you put in. Simply couldn’t get through to her the respectful task of cleaning up after herself and yes it leaves you feeling used and abused. I remember clearly one time my girl commented that living at home was like being at a resort as she didn’t have to lift a finger. If I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. I’m sorry I don’t have the answer to this for you as my girl left home and haven’t seen her for over 2 1/2 years but I know her lack of cleanliness and lack of consideration for others hasn’t changed. I hear your frustrations though.

In response to: Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

MsManagedContributor01 July 2022, 10:08 am AEST

Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

Thank you @Krishna & I'm sorry to hear you've not spoken with your girl for such a long time. Though I mentioned to mine that I was 75% certain similar was going to happen to us before she got home. Mostly because I could feel myself bubbling & once pushed things were/are going to come out of my mouth that is probably not much chance of coming back from.

Though I'm absolutely shocked by the what your girl said to you, the fact she knew exactly what was going on & did nothing 😞 And from by sounds of it, she hasn't changed/learned yet. However it also sounds like you hear things through the grapevine so least you know she's still around 🙂

Again thank you @Krishna & everyone here & to come.

In response to: Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

KrishnaSenior Contributor01 July 2022, 9:36 pm AEST

Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

Hi @MsManaged Yes I get updates from her NDIS support team as to her well-being so I know she’s being well cared for. I still after all these years am not sure whether her lack of consideration and practical hygiene matters are pure laziness or part of her illness. We never actually had a falling out as I always tried to express the need for her cooperation in a calm assertive manner. She simply estranged herself from her dad and I. A lot of questions unanswered but she has managed to txt me recently asking for money but I stopped sending money a long time ago. I really hope you and your daughter can find some calm amongst all this. It makes a difficult situation a lot harder to deal with.

In response to: Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

KrishnaSenior Contributor02 July 2022, 8:33 am AEST

Re: Don't feel I'm asking TOO much

And @MsManaged I really hope that your relationship with your daughter comes back to a place of peace as I know the chaos can create resentment anger and frustration. We were all walking on eggshells when my daughter was home with us. Now we’re left with broken hearts but a harmonious home, a heavy price to pay but that is the insidious nature of her illness. May things be good today 🙏

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