LostOne71Contributor
Where to start???
Nearly 30 years ago I remember being told I had Boarderline Personality Disorder. It was after 3 failed suicide attempts in a short period of time. To be honest, my memories of that time are scarce, just little glimpses and vague memories.
I lost my husband and family back then, those relationships are gone and that’s ok, right now I can’t even think about processing that.
long story short, there was no follow up or treatment, I’ve spent the intervening years bouncing around aimlessly, lost. Sometimes homeless, in destructive relationships and one bad decision after another.
A few weeks ago, I watched a tv show on Netflix, My Crazy Ex Girlfriend. The crux of it was the lead had BPD. I identified with her behaviours, so hit google and the DSM-5.
This all confirmed what I’d been told all those years ago and ignored, now I sit here lost, alone and terrified, my only light is that I’ve had the moment of clarity that this is what it is, this is me…
Ive bought myself a guided journal and a DBT workbook, I’ve decided I need to stop pushing myself to work and study for the foreseeable future, I’ve never been able to maintain either anyway, it always ends badly and I think my focus needs to be more inward and learning who I am.
I live in an outback area with no mental health services, with a partner that I don’t connect with (He’s on the spectrum), it works, in the way that we both seem to have issues that make it impossible to really connect with other humans. We’re more housemates and dysfunctionally co dependent. I know that’s not healthy, but I genuinely have nowhere to go and no money to do it at the moment, I also fear taking on too much change right now, given I’ve just begun this journey. We have zero other support systems, no friends within 1000km, no family….
We have no GP here, the closest is quite a distance away, and I don’t think I can speak to anyone about this yet in person anyway.
I suppose the reasons for me writing this are to just get it out there… hopefully keep me a little accountable to move forward, not make any big decisions right now and to start learning about myself and what all this means.
I know at some stage I need to move away from here, I genuinely only speak to my partner or animals for weeks at a time, I’ve realised I’m loosing the ability to hold adult conversation, it’s been so long since I’ve needed to do it outside of this place.
I’m not eating right, gaining weight, loosing mobility, I sit around all day on multiple screens doing nothing, I loose the inspiration to shower (it’s been 4 days) 😥, I haven’t had a haircut in years, generally I don’t do any self care… wow! Writing that sounds so bad…
Sitting here, in this place, I know these things won’t change unless I go… My partner enables, if not encourages my bad choices and won’t hear me when I ask for support to change them and it’s not his job to do it for me anyway, I need to take the ownership.
So I suppose I’m asking, what next? How do you all move on from the point of realising this is it? This is what it is… Where to next?
