I can’t cope

So I got some free time away from my parents this morning. Which means I could ring my nurse.

I told her everything, from my research last Monday right through to wanting to hurt people. The anger and the small moments of joy.

She has suggested weaning myself of the latest prn. Starting today. Hopefully that will help me stabilise a little.

Currently though I feel like a complete mess. She did ask if I was safe when I get home. I did just say yes but I’m not really sure.

Hi @Captain24,

It's good that you were able to reach out to your nurse this morning and let her know how you are feeling and thinking. I'm sorry to read you are feeling like a complete mess - that sounds like a lot to sit with. I do think it is important to be honest with your nurse to ensure that she helps you with what you need. Can I ask how are you feeling at the moment? Do you feel safe for now?

Sending you hugs and understanding,

FloatingFeather

Sorry @FloatingFeather I only just saw

this. Yes I’m safe. I’m with my family so I have to be. I feel a little better after telling my nurse everything. But I’m still a hot mess. I have so much going on inside my head.

Im sitting on the beach for the last time before we head home so it’s a little bittersweet but it helps clear my head.

Hi @Captain24,

Thank you for letting us know you are safe - I am glad to read that you do feel a little better after telling your nurse everything.

I find the beach a great place to clear my head too - it sounds like you have a lot going on in your mind at the moment. I hope looking out at the ocean can give your mind some peace, and help clear your thoughts a little.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

So the beach was really good and helped me process some things.

Im still a mess though…

I'll pick up the mess then @Captain24 . I'm willing to because you are worth it. You have made SO much progress. I hear how hard this 'holiday' is. And it is understandable why you are feeling the way you do.

Not long to go now!

Once you are home tomorrow, you've got tidying, cleaning, mowing, meal prepping.... and then work!

Hugs, tyme

You mean a lot to us

Thanks @tyme

After the chat with my nurse today it seems that it’s actually a bipolar cycle exacerbated by the holiday.

Also she has accepted a new position which means she will be travelling to other towns. So she won’t be as available in person anymore. She was allowed to keep a couple of her patients so she chose me as one of them. Lucky we do a lot of emailing already!

How are you?

Wow @Captain24 ! I told you you are someone really good to work with. It really does make a huge difference.

Put it this way, I always try to treat my treating team the way I want to be treated. I am grateful for them and hence they do their best to work with me.

This was different to when I was a lot younger. I didn't want their support and ultimately, they didn't help me!

Our brains (or my brain) are such strange things....

I'll be heading off at 10pm. So if I don't catch you before then, I'll catch you mid-week or so.

I'm been busy today. I wasn't meant to be on tonight - it was a last minute thing - but I'm glad I am on 🙂

I’m home from holidays. I’m still feeling like a big mess. I hate feeling like this. I just want to feel ‘normal’

I am really hating life. I should be happy and relaxed. Instead I’m sitting at home alone dreading the nightfall. I feel so alone and not in a good place. I’m really depressed and full of despair. I know I’ve been here before and gotten out but right now I can only see one way out. Will this cycle ever slow down or is there only one way to stop it. I just keep cycling up and down.