I can’t cope

Hey @Ru-bee

I have a pounding headache but I have gotten here. I’m just sitting in the waiting room and have been told ahead of time is running late. That’s the adhd in her!

I’m a bit anxious as we have so much to go through and I’m scared to tell her everything. What if I breakdown while I’m with her? I usually don’t but this one is a lot.

I am glad that I am here though as it’s a pretty place but it has just started raining so I hope it stops before I get out of my appointment. I really want to walk along the beach before I leave. Some grounding and mindfulness after a hard appointment

Proud of you for getting yourself there @Captain24

I know it's never a comfortable thing to break down, but if you do I suppose there are worse places to do it. Having said that it's completely understandable to feel anxious about it. I know I never like to break down in front my psych, even though I know logically that it's a very natural and okay thing, it is never too nice in the moment, often I would feel better the next day though.

I'm hearing this will be a big session and really glad that you've got those plans of taking a nice grounding walk along the beach. Really hoping the rain holds off after your session!

@Captain24 thanks for writing. I called yesterday and was told a woman called J will call me tomorrow 🙂 Its a bit of a wait coz a public holiday today. I wasn't sleeping properly and was up all night but I fell asleep okay last night so hopefully the next few days goes a bit easier.

My psych appointment was ok @Ru-bee. My voice did break when I was reading her everything. My feelings and everything. It was full on to go through my list.

We talked more about how I am now identifying my feelings. How it’s ok to be grieving the life I could have had if my adhd and asd were diagnosed sooner. We also talked about my progress. How much has changed in the last 12 months of seeing her. She is proud that I did a self care day. She says today is a self care day. We are having another appointment next week to work on my anxiety around hospital because my surgery ame up a lot and she asked if I was concerned about it. We went through a lot of stuff about it but she wants to help me deal with my anxiety before I go in.

It stopped raining and the sun was shining so I got to go for my walk and now I’m standing here in the rain typing this. It feels so nice to be on the beach standing in the rain. So it has been a wholesome morning. Now to drive home.

Im dressed in denim shorts and a gingham shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Totally looking like a country girl. Then I was driving through the Main Street and a Lee Kernaghan song came on. I couldn’t have looked anymore bushy if I tried! 😂

Hopefully she calls you tomorrow @EternalFlower. I’m glad you finally got some sleep though.

@Captain24 thank u very much i appreciate your support

Sounds like it was a good session over all @Captain24

Good on you for getting yourself there today and for having the hard conversations.

Love those photos too!

It was @Ru-bee. I’ve been tho king about it while I’ve been driving.

We also talked about how I had a self care day and pushed myself so hard the day before so I could do it. She said she was ok with that as I did have a me day but we are going to work on the ‘I need to work harder to get it’ but right now if that’s what it takes to give me some down time then to do it. She would rather that than nothing at all.

This is a shock!! I’ve been trying to show myself some compassion for giving my boss attitude, mainly my rude abrupt comment. I’ve got a lot of medical stuff going on at the moment plus my life stuff so of course I was going to break when someone was rude to me. Should I have done it? No. Can I see the reasons behind it? Yes.

It’s been a very thought provoking drive. I still have a long way to go to get home but now I have peak hour traffic in the mountains so that will slow me down.

Thanks for recognising the effort and organising it takes to head down there.

Of course @Captain24 🥰

I understand and that's completely valid... this may have been asked before, but what would it be like to explore a new role or workplace?

Aww, I am sending one virtually!!

I hear you... doing anything from that place can be utterly exhausting. 😔

When will your surgery be?

How did your psych appointment go?? I am looking forward to hearing about it. 🤩

I’ve just walked in the door and I left at 5:45 this morning so it’s been a big day. @AuntGlow My appointment was really good. I read her a list of stuff and I read her that post. I put everything out there. My grieving of what my life could have been if I was diagnosed younger. What could have been different. She said that that was a normal response and I will come to terms with it in my own time. I told her about all my blood test results and she said that iron and vitamin d affect mental health so she checked that I was taking the supplements. I told her about my self care day and she was happy that I did it and for now she is ok with me pushing myself hard to do everything on one day to allow me a day to myself. But we need to work on the fact that I’m pushing so hard but that’s for a little bit later on. She focused most on the anger of the feelings and why. I told her that the supervisor that was rude was having some issues at work and that I can understand why he was rude. She said that I could show him some compassion but could I show myself some? I said I just shouldn’t respond like that and she said that for me to remember that I have a lot going on too. We also talked about my surgery. It came up a lot and I said that it’s at th forefront of my mind. I told her it’s the unknown and the fact that I have a phobia of hospital. So we have booked another appointment for next week to work on my anxiety around going in.

I didn’t breakdown but my voice shook when I read her my post. I think with the fact that I hit her with so much and have so much going on, plus needing to drive home, she was a little gentle. But she also knows me weak enough when to be compassionate and when to challenge me. What my limits are.

Even though I didn’t want to go down this morning I was glad I did. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed but as you said, it’s hard with how I’m feeling. I didn’t mind the drive I just listened to my music and watched the world go by. I had my appointment and then went and had lunch on the beach and went for a walk. At the end of the walk it started raining so I stood in it for a while. It felt so mindful and so relaxing. I was at peace. It was just so nice.

The drive home was a bit busy with traffic but I dealt with it well. I’m not use to 3 lanes of intense traffic!!! I was an hour from home and driving at 110km and this car pulled out of an intersection to go to the other side right in front of me. I had to slam the brakes on and I just missed him. I was on the phone to my mum and just screamed ‘f’ing idiot’ (I don’t swear in front of mum!). I broke out into a sweat and was shaking. Then about 20mins later a kangaroo jumped out in front of me. I missed it too!

I did post photos above of my mindfulness!

@Jynx just so you can see how my appointment went.