I can’t cope

To be frank, which brain is telling you all that garbage? I know that sounds so harsh, but that's not @Captain24 speaking.

@Captain24 knows I said I'd be walking with them on this journey.

@Captain24 knows that we care.

@Captain24 knows that recovery is possible, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

And no, it's not that easy to get rid of me!

Sorry @tyme. Maybe I’m worse than I thought. I didn’t mean to upset you.

Yes you did say you would walk beside me. And I really appreciate it!!

Most of the time I know you guys care.
Maybe one day I’ll make recovery. At least I now know what good days feel

like

This is going to sound really wrong and thoughtless.

My mum is in the phone to one of my aunties. She is going through a hard time and is really stressed. I do feel for her. I heard mum say.. that ‘Captain sees psychologists and psychiatrists, she actually gets help for hers and it is really serious.’

I know that that is down playing what my auntie is going through. But the biggest thing for me that can out of that sentence was mum supported me!!! I know it was only o e sentence and I probably won’t hear it again but I did mean something.

I’ve just climbed into bed so I’m going to hopefully sleep for nightshift. Good night

just saw your recent post and AWW i'm so happy you heard that!! that must've been so validating hearing her acknowledge it 💙
(and hope your aunt's okay! this might even encourage her to see a professional too if she hasn't already)

good night @Captain24 ✨

It was @rav3n. I know I probably won’t hear it again but at least I heard it once!

I don’t know what’s really going on. I left mums while she was still on the phone. I had to come home and try and sleep.

Sleep was a failure. I just tossed and turned all afternoon. I’m hoping that tonight isn’t too hard. I even got up earlier and now I don’t know what’s to do.

The thought of going to buy smokes is really strong though. It’s only been 48 hours and it’s a massive struggle. I know this isn’t a SANE thing. But just needed to say it.

hopefully it won't be the last time she says something like that @Captain24 ✨

sleeping throughout the day is hard hey, that's not on you. my dad works night shifts and there's still days he just can't sleep even though he's so damn tired.

good on you for pushing through those 48hrs! it's definitely not easy, but i do believe you can keep pushing through. do you have healthy alternatives you can turn too instead? i had a friend who chewed gum every time they had an urge.

That's so so powerful. It reminds me that although it seems like your bro is the golden child, you mum secretly adores you and admires you! @Captain24

Way to go @Captain24 - and hope work goes well for you!

So I failed. I went and brought some. Just one packet. It’s too hard to concentrate at work when that’s all I’m thinking about. I did only have 3 though. Instead of 15-20. I won’t take many tonight either. It’s just to take the edge off so I can focus better. I will try again on Monday. Maybe it won’t be quite a so hard as I have reduced them immensely. @rav3n @tyme.

Maybe she does care just doesn’t show it. @tyme.

TW: Suicidal thoughts

I have to do it though. I have to help. I’m going to tell her to see someone as she needs help beyond me. I’m hoping that works.

Work was awesome. I had a great night and the stimulants I’m on for the adhd helps keep me awake! No red bulls for me over night! I usually drink several of them! My only problem with work is that I was surrounded by wattle trees and now I have really sore itchy eyes. I couldn’t work out what was wrong with my eyes until the sun came up and I saw soooo many trees. I was working in a different area to normal. Mums dropping antihistamines in today so I have them for work tonight.

Im feeling quite ok. I’m ok with my decision to get a packet of smokes as it helped with work. I’ll just start again.

Im so pumped that I’m not even feeling tired. Which is a shit really as I need to sleep. Hopefully with my sleep hygiene it might help and I’ve had no caffeine at all since midnight. Usually I only drink caffeinated drinks all day and even before bed but I think with all the med changes it’s affecting me.

Anyway that’s a long garbled message so I’m sorry. But I just needed it. I know you aren’t in today but I’m hoping you pop in and see this. Or see it tomorrow with another update.

I’ll tag you too @Jynx just incase you wanna read.

Hey @Captain24 - that's rough, on the slip up - but hey, been there! Happens to us all, especially in times of very big stress.

Does your aunty know that it's something you struggle with as well? Sometimes shared experience makes a huge difference. And you can share some of the stuff you've learned/some of your coping tools and stuff.

How good is it getting medicated?! Haha so glad that work is already feeling easier for you.

Hope you're having a fine Saturday 😊💜

I feel like I failed but at the same time I feel like I did the right thing @Jynx.

She doesn’t know how bad things have been for me. The only people in my life that do is my psych and my GP but he only knows a bit. She is really hard to deal with. She is neurotic at the best of times. It’ll be a phone call that goes for hours. Mums call was 4 hours. I can share and maybe help but I can’t talk for that long.

Being medicated is awesome. I have felt so much difference. The noise in my head is so much less. I even slept today the best of slept in weeks. I only woke up once to go to the toilet. I slept for 7 hours and 15 minutes. Instead of the 6 hours interrupted sleep I’ve been having.