I can’t cope

@Captain24 of course hun - good on you for recognising your need to tap out. I have faith in you too, to be able to manage those urges and reach out to a crisis service if it becomes overwhelming - you got this. Give Pix and Jett a cuddle for me? 💜

I do remember that you are a people pleaser @Jynx

Im not sure how to redirect it. Rejection is a huge thing for me. I fear it. It scares me. I do do little things but it’s also about the fear. I know it can be a good trait to have but I do need to learn that it needs to be on my own terms. I just don’t know how.

I will tell my psych how I ended up after the last session. She always asks. I’m taking OTC medication tonight on the hope is a drug test tomorrow and maybe I can see her on Tuesday. But I really can’t see the drug test happening. There is nowhere to really do it where I start my shift now. I really do need to see her.

It’s been good but really hard to be challenged. I really trust this psych. If I’m not challenged then things will defs stay the same. My old psych and this one are really chalk and cheese. She never followed through on anything. We had a drug deal related death here and then not long after there was two more and she was talking about that. Turns out the other two weren’t drug related and when didn’t know it at the time but that’s what we discussed for the first 20 minutes of my appointment. I don’t care for gossip. I didn’t know them and it didn’t affect me at all. Anyway that just went way of tangent.

I’ve woken up early today and actually feel a little better mentally. It’s 9 in the morning and I feel safe. It’s the first time all week. I’m telling myself that I and capable of cooking meals today for work for the next few days. Meals with veggies. I’m hoping that if I can manage to eat properly it’ll help. I’m not sure my brain will let me or agree to it but I’m trying. I have to start working against my brain. My dietitian was impressed that I am willing to have one proper meal a day. It’s taken me nearly two years to come to the conclusion that yes I do need to eat better and that I’m willing to try.

Anyhows I’m ready to try and face the day. 🤞 fingers crossed that I am actually able to do it. I’m really tired and drained still but I guess that’s to be expected after the week I’ve had and all the socialising yesterday.

That’s defs a @Jynx ramble! Mm not sure a lot of it made sense though!!

Im just going to add to this post.. more rambles

I was about to hang my washing on the line and go to be this morning. It was 10:30. Then my phone rings. It was mum and I had to go for a hot chocolate with my auntie and uncle. So more socialising. I’m so tired. It’s so draining to pretend to be ok. It’s sad as I’ve struggled so much but I won’t see them again for another few years. I hate myself for not being ok. For it all to have been so much effort. It has been good seeing them though and I do appreciate the effort that they have made.

Im supposed to be cooking food for work but I just want to curl up and forget that I exist. Maybe I should. I guess cooking could wait.

That was indeedy a Jynx-ramble @Captain24 and it makes me happy to see! TY for sharing hun. How's your morning unfolded, did you manage to locate some motivation for snackage?

Yeeeah see my psych and I probably only spend MAX 5 min on any small talk... and like, we were actually friends at one point. Totally unprofessional, chalk and cheese indeed! Glad you're in cheeseland now with your current psych hehe. It is hard being so challenged hey, but then when you also find that stuff is shifting, it helps with motivating oneself to go right back into the emotional fray 😅

You got some time to yourself today too, recover from all that socialising?

@Captain24 I get this feeling... sometimes I feel like I might combust with how intense things feel in my body when I know I don't have a space to go and regulate/have to put on a facade. Is that how you feel?

I am wondering, what kinds of foods do you imagine would feel good to eat?

Have you had much time to rest this weekend? And how is safety feeling today from 1-10? (10 being the most safe.) 💛☺️

It certainly was a ramble @Jynx

I went back to bed. That’s how I handled it. I don’t know how I’m going to stay awake all day tomorrow especially after getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I won’t get home until 8.

Ive just gotten up so I’m starting the pasta bake now. A bit late but oh well. The roast will probably be a late dinner. At least the oven will have been on so I don’t have to wait for that to preheat.

My psych is straight in. The general ‘hi how are you’ bang here we go. I’m so lucky to have found her. She is working me so hard. It makes me feel uncomfortable with what is shifting. But if it doesn’t shift I’ll be stuck forever.

Im still an emotional wreck though.

How was your day?

Hi @AuntGlow

yeah that’s about it. Over the last 2 days I have t really had a lot of time to unwind it’s been pretty full in. My uncle said I looked well. If only he knew. I considered telling him but he was so happy to see me. I might ring him sometime.

Im cooking pasta bake with veggies and a roast beef. So plenty of veggies to see if that helps me any. Apparently if I eat better I’ll reduce my weight. But we’ll see.

I just had a sleep. I’m worried about how I am supposed to stay awake all day for the next 2 days, especially after getting up at 4:30 am.

Im feeling about a 3 but that may change as the night wears on.

Read something I shouldn’t have. Now a 2.

@Captain24 Hmm... I wonder what it would be like to confide in your uncle?

Oh my goodness - yum!! Yes, protein, veggies, and carbs will be so supportive for your mental and physical health. What is most important is that you are enjoying what you eat and practicing being loving towards yourself as you nourish yourself. I know that food stuff can be tough, I am here if you need to talk more about it.

I can hear that you've read something triggering... let's keep things simple. What do you need most in this current moment? 💛

@Captain24 yeah darlin you're in the 'mess wrapped up in blankets' part of this meme:

Don't ever let anyone fool you into thinking recovery is supposed to be pretty and sunshine ahaha. It's sooooo worth it though.

Got some big feelings today? What feels like the biggest?

MMM pasta bake 🤤

He is great. He is a minister and been to theological college so he is actually trained in helping. @AuntGlow. Plus he loves me dearly and I’m his favourite niece. Not that it’s hard I’m the only one he knows on this side. 😜

It’s quite a large dish so I’ll be eating it for days. But at least I’ll have lunches and dinner plus with the roast that I’ve just started, I should eat healthily for the next four days and hopefully enjoy it.

Food is a massive issue for me. My brain is telling me all sorts of stuff. I’m trying to ignore it. Trying to fight them. I’m hoping by cooking proper nourishing food my body might feel better and my ED brain might follow.

Im trying to focus on cooking the roast but it’ll just be doing its own thing and doesn’t need much work. Trying to focus on the nice dinner I’ll have in 2 hours. Trying to put those unsafe thoughts to the back.