I can’t cope

I’m hoping to see some improvement when I get through this patch. @AuntGlow. Surely something good has to come out of the last 2 days.

It’s really sad to say but right now I don’t think I would have the capacity to. I fell horrible for saying that but I’m barely able to get out of bed. Right this very second I don’t feel overly safe. But I’m back in bed.

I hope so but I know I’m being needy.

I seem to be going backward not forward and just facing every minute which is why I didn’t think I was

Things will shift. Why? Because they simply have to. We aren't stagnant beings, life and time keeps moving and so do we. Maybe knowing this will help? @Captain24

Bed sounds like a safe place to be right now.

You are allowed to be needy, that's okay!! We will always respond when we can.

I know you have probably heard this before, but healing isn't linear. And as long as you can do one tiny little loving thing for yourself when you feel this way, that is a win.

I will be back to check-in tomorrow. 💛

No long. You've made it to the end of June already! Congratulations! @Captain24

Today I’m out of bed. I had a hairdresser appointment at 9 so I had to. It was so hard to make conversation. She is pregnant so will be going on maternity leave but not until December so I have booked in my appointments until then. Finding a new hairdresser is going to be so hard. They all gossip and want small talk. At least with this one we don’t always have to talk there can be some silence.

All I have done is bath the dogs. I really just want to go back to bed but I have a dietitian appointment this afternoon. I don’t want to do it but I guess I have to.

Im feeling really really low. I have really strong SI happening. I don’t want to be out of bed. I have no motivation and no energy.

I still have so much to do for this BBQ. I really need to clean the pantry but it’s so daunting. It’s so messy. I need to clean the front and back of my house. They are full of cobwebs. So much to do and nothing in me to do it.

hey @Captain24 good on you for getting up for your hair appt!! i feel the same with hairdressers, i get a bit awkward with small talk. sometimes i go on my phone to avoid conversation if i'm not feeling up for it 😅

i'm so sorry to hear that the thoughts are really strong right now - i know you've mentioned that being in bed is your safe space, but with the upcoming dietician appointment and other tasks to get done, i can see how it can be challenging to stay safe. are the other things besides your bed that can help keep you safe? do you reckon its time to give a helpline a call?

also do you find accountability buddies helpful? if you do, i'm around to be yours today - if its way too much for today and you just want to stay in bed, that's totally okay too - your safety comes first. here for you 💗

I can really feel how much resistance there is for you right now, it sounds like you are very emotionally and energetically exhausted. You have been processing a lot, so know that it's okay for your emotions to fluctuate as a result. I know SI is also very present for you at the moment... underneath this, what do you think your body and mind are really needing? @Captain24

I went to bed. I was asleep when the dogs started to go off. They ran to the front door. I was getting up and there was banging on the door. I was trying to get dressed when the door opened. Mum and dad turned up. I told them I was ironing and mum said don’t you answer the door. I didn’t need them today.

You could see them looking at my kitchen and judging me. It is a mess but I did start on the pantry but couldn’t do it. I just want to be left alone.

I don’t want to have to call a crisis line again. I called twice yesterday. I don’t want to be a nuisance. I already am to you guys.

An accountability buddy would be good. @rav3n Just someone that I can report back to when I get something done. Knowing someone is expecting to hear from me.

Yes @AuntGlow I am so exhausted. So tired. So lethargic. No energy. No go at all. What I need right now is to just rest. Just stay in bed where it’s safe and just sleep. Sleep the days away. Sleep until the bad SI decreases. Sleep until I feel safe.

ohh i'm so sorry your parents just turned up, the timing of it sucks. and i hate the judging part to, i guess they don't understand the depth of how hard things are - but we do. you're doing your best and that counts for a lot.

you're never a nuisance to us!! i'm sorry it feels that way to you, but i assure you, we care truly care and want to support you 💗

happy to be your accountability buddy! what's the list you're trying to get done tonight? i'm here till 6 and then after that, Ru-bee can also be your buddy!

If sleep is what you need right now, that is okay. You aren't a nuisance to us at all. I am sorry that your parents' behaviour made you feel judged, that must have been really uncomfortable and upsetting. @Captain24

I know you are trying your absolute best here. 💛

I hate them coming around. They invade my space and treat it like theirs. I hate anyone coming around. This is my space and I need it kept safe from others @AuntGlow. This is what is hard about the bbq. My space will be invaded by so many people. Anywhere from 8-12 people. Right now I just need the comfort of being in my own. I don’t have it in me to talk or be nice to anyone. I don’t have it in me to fake it. I need support badly. I need someone to be in my corner.

I just had my dietitian appointment and I have finally agreed to eat one substantial meal a day. It’ll start after the bbq. I’m going to try and stick to it. My body needs proper fuel.

I don’t have it in me but I want to push and get all of my stuff done tomorrow morning so I can spend the afternoon resting. I really need it. I’m really struggling. I’m really not ok. I can’t even say I feel safe. It’s just so hard.

Sorry it’s not recovery focused but right now I just can’t. It’s about each minute. Sorry for my ramble