I can’t cope

I’m a Gemini ♊️ @AuntGlow. It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

It’s at the point where I barely even function. Getting to work was a massive challenge.

I know it’s the same for everyone it just feels hard on top of everything else. I’ll stop complaining.

Sorry

Oh yes! I am a Cancerian, we are close. I find Geminis make really good teachers and leaders. @Captain24

Well, I am proud of you for going to work, it really does take everything out of us... on top of everything else, it makes sense that you would be feeling depleted.

You can talk about this as much as you need! Please do. I was just letting you know that you aren't alone, but I also know how things have been extra vulnerable and challenging for you.

I think you definitely deserve some time to do something nurturing for yourself - what might that look like today?

I don’t think I’m much of a leader but I am a reasonable teacher. @AuntGlow. I have helped a lot of people

I get up at 4:30 on work days so on dayshift it’s really cold starts and nightshifts really cold finishes. At least dayshifts I see the sun, if it’s sunny.

Im sorry I’m struggling so much. I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow. Then I won’t see her for 3 weeks. Unless we can work in an appointment time that works for both of us.

I really don’t know what to do. I have ordered pizza for dinner. Apparently carb loading is part of SAD

@Captain24 What is your proudest teaching moment? 💛

Gah, it's such an awful and claustrophobic kind of feeling, isn't it? I really empathise with how you are feeling. And if you need to carb-load, you're allowed, okay?

I hope your psychologist appointment goes well - do you know what you hope to get from the session? I hope you can see them within the 3 weeks. 🤞

T/W mentions ED

When I worked in one of the stores that was when I was living away from her. There was a girl that failed her maths exam. I spent several sessions with her and she ended up in the top ten! @AuntGlow I just explained it differently until she understood.

Pizza isn’t great. I’m so overweight and my ED is saying really mean things to me. Winter always makes it say worse things because I want to comfort eat my way through winter. Which I thought was normal until my psych mentioned SAD and I googled it. If I do have SAD then it’s just something else to add to the mix. My ED hates me.

Because we do Telehealth she may fit me in somewhere. I don’t want to put her out though. She will be concerned that it’s so long between appointments. She is really compassionate towards me.

Oh wow! What an amazing achievement for you both. 🥰 @Captain24

It sounds like you were very patient and listened to her needs.

Can we potentially redirect some of this more unkind inner-dialogue into a little compassion? For example, if SAD is at play, it makes sense that you might be needing more support with grounding. And sometimes, food really helps with this. You may like to explore other ways to meet this need, but for now, this is working. Can we allow a little room for some nuance here?

I think you deserve it. ❤️

Ah, what is it like to have her be so compassionate and understanding?

Sorry. I normally don’t talk about my ED anything I say triggers some others but they are free to talk how they want. @AuntGlow

While ever I look the way I do it can’t be changed. There is no room for compassion. It’s an inner turmoil I have on a daily basis. But I have to keep it all in.

I need to find something to help. Something to make me feel warm and cosy. Something to lift the depression. I struggle with food but I have lost control. I beat myself up when I do eat though. So it’s counter productive.

It’s strange to be treated with compassion. It’s never happened in my life. Not like this. My psychiatrist that I use to see in hospital was amazing but this is next level. I had a psychologist before that wasn’t very nice but I didn’t realise it wasn’t ok the be called ‘stupid and selfish’ in a session. Also my Case Manager that I had I thought she was good but she downplayed everything and didn’t listen.

I’m going to bed so I hope you have a good night @AuntGlow

That's okay, thank you for sharing this all with me and letting me get to know you better.

This must be so, so hard... it may take some time for compassion to be available, and that's okay. I do hope you have small reminders here and there that remind you of how wonderful and valuable you are - right now, exactly as you are.

I get this. 💛 What else do you imagine could keep you feeling warm and cozy?

Wow, I bet that really must feel strange - to experience being treated as you deserve. I only hope this continues to grow and multiply for you @Captain24.

Please get some rest, we will chat tomorrow! ☺️

I just had my psych appointment. It was really hard. I told her the depths of my depression and my failure in winter. Apparently my normal isn’t actually normal. She probed a bit deeper and when I said I just didn’t have the energy to act in any suicidal thoughts or SH thoughts, she said I sound exhausted.

She wanted to do chair work but it was too hard. It did unlock some of my deeper thoughts and now I’m scared of them and what else is in there. We are going to try chair work when I see her in person so I have that physical presence of support not over Telehealth.

I feel very raw and vulnerable and open. My depth of my thoughts is even worse. I wanted to open up to her the more thoughts I had but I was scared to verbalise them. I’m not to try and open that sealed box of feelings though. Not alone. Only with her.

I’ve been having really weird dreams. I have to write down what I’m thinking and feeling when I have them. We need to understand what more is going on. See what they mean.

All I want to do is go back to bed but I have things I need to do. Maybe I could do some of them then allow myself to go to bed.

She said I need to not beat myself up for beating myself up. That made so much sense.

Im so drained. Im so miserable. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I failed with the chair work but she did say it gave her more of an idea what there is that needs to be worked on. I haven’t been so open to anyone in my life like i have to her.

Im to focus on my safety plan. Im to go and sit in the sun to help with SAD. It’s not as cold as it has been. At least it has reached 14 degrees so if I rug up it could be bearable.

I don’t see her for 3 weeks now so I really need to look after myself. I need support with working on that. But 3 weeks feels like a long time.