I can’t cope

@Bow @Snowie. You both just made my eyes leak! To know that I’ve been really horrible and only thinking of myself but you still both care. I do think of you all the time. If it’s ok that I pop in occasionally that would be nice, I cant commit to a lot. I’m sorry.

Maybe we could build some Lego together once I’ve moved and settled in @Captain24

Hi @Captain24

Thanks for including me.

I don't think anything less of you hon. You are putting your needs first, which is always the right thing to do.

We are here when you need us. Might be in an hour, a week, a month, but know that there are people here that care about you. You do what is best for you.

We all deserve that care hon. No matter who we are, what we do, what we think of ourselves, we all deserve that love and support.

You will always have a place with me 💕💕

That sounds good @Bow Good luck with the move.

@Snowie

Thanks for being understanding.

Thank you for your support.

Hope you are doing as best you can.

@Captain24 nah, it's no one's fault hun, it's more like communication challenges in my opinion! I'm trying to work on being less wordy and convoluted when I know the person I'm supporting is in a heightened state (and thus less able to process big paragraphs or new information). So I definitely take some responsibility 😉

Ach, that internal tension of wanting closeness but feeling unsafe around others is such a difficult one hey. You might think it will take a long time but perhaps you will surprise yourself!!

This is a big fear of yours hey hun, that they 'won't let you out'. Wanna talk on it a bit more at all?

I’ve been really difficult to work with though @Jynx

It’s a huge fear that they will send me away. The nearest MH hospital is 1 1/2 hours away and I can’t go as I have the dogs and a very not understanding family or work environment.

My psych actually said that she didn’t want me working. She is really concerned about me driving to and from. Especially since I did what I did in a disassociated state.

My reply is taking a little longer than expected @Captain24 but just want you to know it's in progress lol

Hugs in meantime 🫂🫂

@Captain24 Take your time to read this one, cos it might be difficult - and ofc lemme know if anything hits you funny and we can work through it together 💜

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@Captain24 wrote:

I’ve been really difficult to work with though @Jynx

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Okay, let's say you're right, that you're 'difficult to work with'...

So what?

(Side note, you haven't been as 'difficult to work with' as I think you're picturing but for the purposes of my response I'll indulge the thought)

So what if you're 'difficult' to work with, do you think I work on a complex mental health forum because I want easy, uncomplicated work? If I did, I'd still be working in hospo! 🤣

See, here's the thing hun... I think that you are under the impression that your increase in support needs is 'burdensome' to us, or weighing too heavily on us or something - and then assuming this is automatically bad, and so therefore you must be a bad person for doing it, for being so 'difficult' and 'needy'.

But it's actually more like, yes perhaps you are 'burdening' us... but that's exactly what you should be doing!!

That's the WHOLE POINT - you are a human being with complex mental health needs, accessing a forum space specifically designed for that! This is THE SPACE to laden with your troubles!! This is THE SPACE to be 'burdensome', and 'too much', and 'too needy', and a hot frickin mess - because this is the space where it is safe to do so! Cos pretty much everyone here will just be like 'lol omg mood'! Myself included, haha you know how often I relate to your experiences!

This space exists because it can be so, so hard to be open, vulnerable, and be our authentic, 'crazy' selves in most other spaces. Because in many other spaces we would get turned away for being too difficult, too hard-basket. This is the space where that doesn't apply!

Does that make more sense? Like as in, maybe you are 'difficult' because you are going through a lot and need a lot of safety and reassurances - but there is no shame in being 'difficult' HERE.

This is the space where we invite everyone to be as messily human as they need to be, and sometimes that means we are a lot!! But the whole point of living in a society is to look after each other when things get tough, right?

Will you let the community look after you hun?

💜

It was hard to read @Jynx but in saying that today has been really hard. Listening to my psych has me scared. Her making an appointment on her day off is hard to hear too. So please just bear with me.

You're right that at the moment I feel that I am too much of a burden. You hit the nail on the head.

I have a hard time believing that I should be on here in such a ‘hot mess’. Hearing you so that this is the place to be is relieving but also it’s hard to change the thinking of ‘I’m too much’ It’s hard to change the narrative that I’m taking time from others. There is plenty of others worse off than me.

I get that this is the place to be as there is nowhere else that I can say what I say on here. (Except my psych but she isn’t as readily available as the forums.) No where else can I say how hard it is. How hard it gets. I have nowhere else to turn.

It does make more sense. I’m torn between you saying it’s ok to be my hot mess on here and my head saying I should be doing it alone. Doing it on the quiet.

I would look after anyone that needs help. On Wednesday when I was at the morning meeting. This old guy that keeps coming to me needed to talk. So I listened. If only he had of read my demeanour and my face maybe he could have asked me how I was. But no it was just me being there for him.

I would like to be looked after please. I really need someone. I can’t do it alone as much as I expect myself to do. It’s hard for me to admit that. Admit that I can’t do it alone. To admit that I need help. I need help keeping me safe and telling me things will be ok. Even though I don’t believe it.