I can’t cope

@Jynx Are you around tonight? I’m missing you and getting a little worried. I hope everything is ok?

@Captain24 aww ty for checking in, I am okay! Had a bit of a hectic week - had to take one of my partners in for emergency surgery! They are okay and will make a full recovery, but I had to take the time to rest and let myself process after the 30 or so hours of enduring various hospital sensory nightmares!! I am just making my way through my notifications and taking everything slow tonight, but I'll check in proper once I'm all caught up!! 😊💜

I’m glad they will be ok and I’m glad you are ok @Jynx. Sensory overload is a lot. I’m glad you took the time to regulate yourself.

I guessing you have loads to catch up on.

Talk soon. whenever you’re ready. If you have the time

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@Captain24 wrote:

My life is nothing and meaningless. It really gets me down. I guess the only person that can change it is me. I’m just not sure how. Or maybe my life is suppose to be that way. Maybe that’s all I deserve.

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Hey @Captain24

catching up slowly lol, but this one got my attention - you are correct, you are the only person who can give your own life meaning! As for what you deserve well, who gets to decide that?

How's the MH first aid training, all done?

I hear your anxiety has been a bit extra lately 🥺

I get I am the only one that can sort it @Jynx but I don’t know how. I try and just fail. I’ve just spend my days off in bed. That’s not helping myself. As for who decides that I don’t deserve it I don’t know. I’m obviously failing so maybe I just don’t deserve it.

The first aid course is done. I’m a certified MH first aider. It did get a bit much the second day so I stepped out for a little bit. I regulated myself and went back in.

It was just 2 days of extreme anxiety but now I’m back to being really really low. It’s hard to know if it’s the AD’s or if it’s because I’m coming of the other anti-psychotic. I guess I just have to wait 12 weeks to find out.

@Captain24 are you in a space where you want me to be going deep/unpacking stuff, or would you to prefer to keep it a bit lighter tonight?

@Captain24 also proud of you for stepping out to regulate!! Good self-care!!

uuuhuhghguhgughguh 12 weeks is so long!

 I have my kitchen bench clean. @Jynx This is done and so is the Lego.

12 weeks is a long time for med changes and who knows what it is doing to me. Apparently it’s going to get worse when the dose of my anti-psychotic gets lower. I’m in for a rocky ride.

Can we try and unpack? I’m in a pretty vulnerable position at the moment. But I think it’s better to work on it to try and lessen these overwhelming thoughts and urges.

I reached out twice yesterday to SCBS chat. They didn’t really care. All they said was to pay my dogs. This is why I never reach out.

@Captain24 aww cute lil wooden piano!!

Well your rocky ride down the rocky road shall have the forums fam here to support you every bump of the way! Haha now I am thinking about rocky road... mmmm hehe might be dinner time soon lol but now I just want chocolate

We can work on it!! But if you start getting overwhelmed, or feel like the information just won't sink in, or (VERY important) if you are feeling heaps frustrated.

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@Captain24 wrote:

As for who decides that I don’t deserve it I don’t know. I’m obviously failing so maybe I just don’t deserve it.

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I just want you to think about this a lil more. Like seriously, is there some guy with a clipboard out there who gets to say who deserves to have meaning and fulfillment and who doesn't?

And next question, how does (perceived) failure indicate that you are undeserving?

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@Captain24 wrote:

I reached out twice yesterday to SCBS chat. They didn’t really care. All they said was to pay my dogs. This is why I never reach out.

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I get the frustration as it might feel akin to 'just don't worry about it go be happy' or something. But maybe you could look at it like... they aren't there to make you feel good. They are there to help you keep safe. And your dogs are definitely something you've mentioned as a safety factor for you!!

I do not want to say that you shouldn't have felt disappointed or something, your feelings are valid, especially when you're not doing well. Just more prompting the idea that if you alter your expectations of what the services will be able to do for you, it might help - i.e. maybe they are just about passing the time, or hearing another human being's voice, or to even just check in with yourself - like sometimes we can't really sense what we need till we are talking to someone else! Maybe you don't know what you need but calling and getting told to go pat your dogs helped you figure out that that was NOT what you needed! Food for thought 😊

Also I know you meant 'play with your dogs' but it says 'pay my dogs' and that did conjure a very funny image of your puppers as business owners 🤣

As I was typing it I thought of rocky road too! @Jynx

I guess know one says who deserves to have a life and who doesn’t. It’s a feeling (I know feelings aren’t facts!). It’s deep inside that I feel like I don’t deserve it. What good have I done in the world? How have I been a good person. I know that I’m not.

If feel like I’m failing at life. I can’t get myself out of this depressive episode. Even when there is a little improvement it goes back. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I just too exhausted to care about myself? If I can get my life to move forward then I see that as failure.

I won’t be reaching out again. Yes my dogs are my protective factor. They were already on my lap. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t that. I only reach out when it’s desperate. It just felt like a kick in the guts. They don’t care anyway. As long as I didn’t admit that I had a plan and means ready then why care.

I didn’t even realise I did that. They are getting paid, for being them, with pizza crust!