I can’t cope

Even my mum tells me I’m as ugly as at hat full of arseholes. @Jynx I often wonder what it would be like to have a mother that accepts you for who you are.

I feel bad and yes saying the wrong thing always gets me in trouble. It’s the story of my life. That’s why I wonder why they put my name forward for the peer support thing.

Now they are barking again. They have been quiet all day!

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@ArraDreaming wrote:
I try to be nice and you ignore me

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@ArraDreaming hmm? Who has ignored you? Not me I hope, eep!! I am flying solo tonight it's hard for me to reply to everyone!!

@Captain24 no. Your mum should not say that to you, that's horrible. I'm really sorry hun. You're not ugly, I don't give a good god dang what you look like, ugliness is in doing things like telling your daughter that she's "ugly as at hat full of arseholes". Only a truly ugly person would say that about another human. Could you imagine me saying that about anyone, ever? Nah you don't deserve that treatment, not at ALL.

They're riled up, clearly!! Sneaky ghosts around maybe ahaha

This is what I live with @Jynx. No wonder I’m so fucked up. But then she bought prawns for me on Thursday for me to have Good Friday and she packed my dinner for work that night as we always have a special Good Friday night dinner and I wouldn’t be there. So she can be good. She just never says nice things to me, always negative and harsh.

My psych gets riled up most appointments when we dig into my childhood or spend too much time on my mum.

I think they are going stir crazy being locked inside all the time. I don’t let them out much at all. I’m too scared for them to be unsupervised

@Captain24 I really think you would get a lot out of that book I was yammering on about a while back -

'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'

It goes into stuff like, 'why is it that despite my mum meeting my needs, always giving me enough food and ensuring I had a good time on holidays and stuff... but yet I still feel hollow inside?'

Yeah it's a GUT PUNCH of a book but..... like you're sat there literally talking about how your mum's verbal abuse isn't so bad cos she makes sure to buy your love back... Like.... that is what I'm reading...? Tell me if I'm wrong!

I guess that’s probably how it is @Jynx. I just thought that she sometimes did good things. I didn’t see it as making up for the bad. But I guess that’s what it is. That kinda hurts a bit.

I mean.... it's not my call @Captain24 and my own stuff might be getting in the way here. Just wanna flag that.

It's only you who can decide whether the quality of the relationship is one that you find fulfilling or not. If the gifts just feel like gifts, maybe that's what they are.

I don’t really know. @Jynx. It does open my eyes a little. I think the little child in me wants to believe that she does care. That she is a good mum. The little child desperately wants to see good not bad. It’s like I’m trying to justify the good for the bad

@Captain24 sorry hun got slammed - we can chat on this more tomorrow?

Rest well, thanks for chats 💜