I can’t cope

@Captain24 I bet you were too scared to take pics? Would've been cool tho!!

Hmm maybe irrational mind just needs a few days to chill out - honestly a couple of trips out into the garden, slow and gentle and not pushing too hard of course, but it should help remind the lizard brain that there's not little legless hissers (as my snake phobic sister calls them) hiding around every corner!!

Nope.... not even close..... ahaha I have my Room of Horrors (place where everything I don't know where to put goes) still to go and won't know how I wanna arrange the space until I have cleared it up!!

Re your friends - aww darlin, that's hard. You know, you ARE allowed to express to them that the lack of inquiry about your own wellbeing has been hurtful. I know I always want to know when I've hurt a friend, because I can't make amends if I don't know that I've upset them!

I didn’t even think of photos! @Jynx. I wouldn’t go back near it. The man next door was scared but a lot braver than me. I need to find something to give him as a thank you. He ‘removed’ the snake and then whipper snippered my back yard and finish the mowing.

The dogs went around the corner of my house this afternoon and I yelled at them to get back. I’m just so scared. My lizard brain is outta control.

I have 2 rooms like that! So lucky you don’t have anymore rooms. Cleaning up is hard.

No I'm not that person. If they don’t care then that’s on me. It’s been hard enough for me to reach out to them but it just lets me know where I belong (or don’t belong) in this world.

@Captain24 Love a brave neighbour!! Phew!!

aww I bet!! You and the pups will have to utilise the buddy system to go into the garden ahaha.

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@Captain24 wrote:

No I'm not that person.

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You know... you make a lot of very defining statements about yourself like this. You know you don't have to define yourself like that? Like you can be that person if you want? And by saying 'I'm not that person' you're shutting down any possibility of growth?

It's kiiiinda like this Stephen Fry quote:

“We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I'm going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”

If I say to you "I'm just a big pile of depression" then I am making that my identity, and on a subconscious, heck, even on a cellular level, I am telling my brain and body that I am the embodiment of being depressed...

Then guess what? Anything that would lead me away from that identity, my brain unconsciously rejects, because that's not who I am.... I'm not a happy person or someone who stands up for themself, I'm a big pile of depression! So I just... don't do those things.... and then keep doing the depressed things, which just reinforces the narrative.

Literally, you could send a message to one of them now and guess what, then you ARE that person!! Tada!

I know I know, not so simple to work against what feels like instinct, but food for thought anyway.

I check first before letting them go anywhere. When they went around the corner I ran barefoot on the grass to bring them back. I panicked. @Jynx

Im sorry. I’m always saying the wrong thing

Hahaha @Captain24 you just did it again!!

You're not 'always saying the wrong thing' you are struggling with your internal narratives! Haha see how it's automatic? You can't be blamed for the habits you had to build to survive your childhood though!

And just in case you're worried I was having a go at you - I wasn't I promise! Just trying to share some experience. And it's okay! Rome wasn't built in a day after all. Don't worry too much about it - heck maybe take it to your psych or something!

What are you up to tomorrow?

I thought you were @Jynx. I took it as I wasn’t trying. I’m not helping myself. It’s my fault I’m not getting better.

I have to go shopping for work and I have a psych appointment. Mum and dad should be home by 8 to pick up Keiko.

@Captain24 aww glad I said something hun. You can always ALWAYS assume that I am NOT having a go at you ok? And please always feel free to tell me if it feels like I am, cos even when I'm not, sometimes our systems are all sorts of hyperalert for rejection and will give us the big pile of crappy feelings anyway! So it is okay to tell me when something I've said has made you feel yuck, I'd always prefer it cos then we can do this - hash it out!

Shopping for work? Buying new truck parts? Bahaha or more like... lunches? Teehee

I gotta clean my car!! I swear I will, totally gonna.... 🙃

Oh my stars the time is nigh!! Dang it flies by so quick hey. You and your doggos off to bed soon? Or bit too early yet for you?

I’m sorry for taking it the wrong way @Jynx. yep. Rejection, My eyes are leaking

Hahaha lunches.. I go shopping for snacks and stuff.

I want to go to bed. I’m so tired but mums dog doesn’t go to bed until 11. I’m not waiting that long though.

@Captain24 that's okay, it's a side effect of being sensitive to rejection, and I know the feeling.

🫂🫂🫂

Yay snacks!! I have been overdoing it on the snacks... stoopid hormones!! Ice cream for breakfast tho... it's pretty good LOL

Nooooo the dog will be fine haha time for sleepies!! I am off my own self! Catch you tomorrow hopefully hun. Rest well! 💜

Thanks for tonight. @Jynx. I’m sorry for getting upset.

Catcha tomorrow