I can’t cope

It makes me feel like I’m really lazy since I haven’t changed my sheets either. I’m just really lazy and hopeless with all tasks right now. Nothing is getting done. @rav3n

I need to feel safe. I need to feel comfortable. Yeah I need nonjudgmental and someone that actually cared not just because they have too.

if i'm honest, i can't remember the last time i changed my bed sheets... it's definitely been a while @Captain24 but i know it's not laziness but rather my thoughts telling me i don't deserve a clean bed yet. maybe your thoughts are different, but the fact that you're feeling bad about not changing those sheets just proves to me that this isn't laziness for you either. how about we both set goals together? like hmmm by next week we gotta change pillow covers? is that an okay first goal?

then yes, i am a safe person. i know that we haven't chatted as much but i'm one of those people who really values every interaction and convo, even if its small. you truly matter to me a lot already. i get that feeling safe and comfy with someone can take time, so if there's anything i can say or do to help ya feel that way - let me know. but please know that i'd NEVER judge you, and i never judge people in general - i've been judged so much over such small things & i hated, so i'd never wanna do that to someone else.

I’m putting the pressure on myself to do them tomorrow and clean the house and mow the lawns and bath the dogs. @rav3n. I know I can’t do it because I’m such a loser but I expect it done.

It will take me some time. I’m sorry please don’t think it’s personal as it’s totally not. I got hurt pretty bad by a mod that ruined the forums for me. Me talking to you is a massive leap. That’s why I only chat on this thread and only chat to Jynx and tyme. It’s not me being rude it’s about me setting myself boundaries and taking care of myself.

whether you get your list of cleaning done or not, you're NOT a loser. @Captain24 and even if you get 1 tiny step from that list done, i hope you celebrate that. i can see that you try so hard, sounds nothing like a loser to me.

that's totally fair!! no apologies needed, i can understand that opening up to new people takes time. and i'm a patient person so i'll move at whatever pace feels best for you. and also proud of ya for taking that leap, that must've taken a lot of strength. and i perfectly respect you setting that boundary!! if you ever want me to leave your space, please don't hesitate to say so - i want you to feel super comfy here!! also i gotta hop off for tonight, take care and rest up 💙

I’ve been cleaning all morning. My house is almost hygienic. Just gotta clean all the floors and the shower but the shower can wait until I feel better, if that ever happens.

I need to find the motivation to mow my backyard. It’s overgrown so it going to take even longer than usual. I can’t do it.

Also need to bath the dogs. I hate that nearly as much as I hate mowing the lawn. They have to be bathed. They missed last weeks bath. I don't want to do it.

Im struggling to keep going. All the voices in my head are telling me that I’m a failure. That it’s not good enough. I’m a loser for not being able to keep pushing. How useless am I. Most people can do it why can’t I? I wish I was normal. I wish I was like other people that don’t have to fight themselves constantly. I wish life would change. I wish I had the hope that it will. I’m just a hopeless, worthless mess.

Im struggling to keep my head above water. I feel like I’m drowning. Should I just let go and let myself drown…

Hey @Captain24 ,

Are you around?

Hey @tyme

Sounds like you've had a busy day today @Captain24 ?

Did you get everything done?

No I haven’t. I still have to bath the dogs, mow the lawn and clean the floors. @tyme. But I just can’t do it. I feel like I have failed myself. It has to be done. I can’t leave it but I’m too useless to find any motivation to do it. I don’t want to be the one with stinky dogs. The grass is taller than Jett. I just a dead set failure. The voices aren’t being very nice. But what they are saying is the truth.

How are you going? How was your break?

Yeah, those voices sound a bit nasty! You may have to tell those voices off because they will keep telling you that it is the truth. Remember, neuroplasticity means you need to keep travelling on those neural pathways that aren't used very often.... let me know if this doesn't make sense.

As for the grass, with the current weather, it doesn't take long for the grass to be outta hand. I'm glad I don't have grass here... only weeds lol. It's still a lot of work.

My break? I still don't feel like I've had one. If I'm having a 'break' from here, there it means I'm doing more somewhere else lol.

I'll be on the next 2 weeks, then I think I'm off one week, then the following week, I'm going overseas (I can't say where at the moment, but I'll tell you about it once I get back). I'll be overseas for the following 1.5 weeks or so. @Captain24

This wasn't a pre-planned trip. The opportunity came up, so I just took it.

I've missed you a lot though. I think about you all the time.