I can’t cope

I’m sure whether you are serious or not @Jynx. Nothing would surprise me.

I need something. I’ve tried really hard. I washed my work clothes, washed my doona cover and went and had my hair done. But then I have spent all afternoon in bed. I’m just useless, a waste of space and just a complete failure.

@Captain24 fully serious 😂 Here lemme find a photo!

Honestly sounds like a perfectly reasonable day to me!! Don't forget that rest is an act of rebellion!! And it is NON NEGOTIABLE in recovery!! An arvo in bed sounds choice tbh, wanna swap? 😝

I thought you were serious @Jynx! They are pretty cool. Not something I’d ever own though!

I hate getting my hair done. It’s too much socialisation. To much closeness.

I just feel I have too much to do, too much on, too much to cope with. Too much life stuff that I don’t want to do life anymore.

I have a Pdoc appointment tomorrow. I’m assuming I get what she thinks are my diagnosis’s. Are you on on Saturday night?

@Captain24 they are heeeeaaaaavy 😅 I used to wear them literally every day, for like 4-5 years or something!! But my hips started going wonky (oh nooooo I wonder if THAT'S where my hip pain started... 🤔😓) and soon after I got into barefoot running lol

Omg I know hey, like it's surprisingly intimate having someone playing with your hair hey. Wish it wasn't so scary to wear like a pin on my shirt that says 'non-verbal today, please do not attempt small talk' so I could just doom scroll in peace!

Ugh I know right, it's always bloody one thing after another. S'why we gotta carve out time for the fun stuff!

Oh true!! You feeling nervous? Yeah should be around on Satdy! 😊

OMG @Jynx. That’s a long time for such heavy boots! Maybe that is what’s the probs with your hips. Hopefully not and it’s an easy fix.

So you go from heavy boots to no shoes at all. That must have been a massive shock to your system.

The last time I was in hospital there was a hairdresser in as well. She said that when you book your appointment you can request a silent appointment. I can’t do that here with my hairdresser but it’s good to know. That may work for you.

She said to me ‘does it feel lighter and fresher’ I just say yeah. It makes no difference to me. I don’t care for it. It doesn’t make me feel any better just relief that it’s done for the next 3 months.

I can’t find any enjoyment. It’s just one thing after another. No joy in Lego, no joy in any of my crafty stuff. No joy in food, no joy in tv, no joy in anything.

Feeling very nervous. I’m scared at what she will say, I’m scared to find out that there is more wrong with me. How will that change things? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Will it help me or make things worse? I'm scared at med changes, I struggled with the change while I was in hospital.

That’s good is it ok if I unload tomorrow’s appointment?

hello and hugs @Captain24 , @Jynx 😁

@Captain24 haha yeah but it was soooo freeing!! I honestly hate running in shoes, always have. I just thought I hated running... nope!! Barefoot running feels.... almost primal!

Ooh hot lil tip, thanks!! Haha I haven't actually been to a hair dresser since I chopped my dreadlocks off - I just use an electric razor and honestly it's the best, even if it's a scraggly lookin mohawk ahaha but I think it suits my lil chaotic gremlin vibe perfectly 😉

You spoken to your supports about anhedonia? It's sooooo rough hey. But not a curse!! Your neurology is just a bit skewed is all, not releasing the happy chemicals when you do stuff! I think treatment is about sorta, retraining/kickstarting those processes again. Thank goodness for neuroplasticity hey!

In my experience, whilst there's always an adjustment period and sometimes grief, diagnosis has always been helpful in the long run. Mainly I think it's about awareness - if we're not aware, we can't make informed choices when making changes. Awareness is the path to self-acceptance, which then paves the way for releasing internalised shame and building self-confidence!

Besides, diagnosis isn't 'what's wrong' in my opinion.... it's actually more about guiding treatment. As in ADHD doesn't describe me, it describes the best way to support my mental health. Getting slapped with a BPD diagnosis might suck but then maybe that person will learn about/get access to DBT therapies they would not have even considered otherwise.

Of course hun!! Happy to hold space and unpack with ya - whatever it ends up being 😉

I’ve got this image of you running barefoot! @Jynx. It’s quite hilarious. I hate running but I just hate all exercise!

I love it. You just do you don’t you. I wish it was just a r@zor I could do myself. But I have shoulder length blonde foiled hair. I always tie it up in a ponytail anyway.

Not really. My psych knows that I’m not finding joy in anything. I can’t even make myself try and do it. Hence all the time in bed. It just means I can forget. I don’t have to try. I don’t have to face the world. I don’t have to exist.

I wish I knew how to find it again. I did love doing stuff. Maybe my neurons are permanently damaged. Maybe I don’t deserve to find a way back. Maybe I’m just not good enough. Even thinking about trying feels like a chore. I even got a tweety bird Lego and it’s still not tempting me. I love tweety bird!

I know getting diagnosed will help me find a better way of treatment. If this ADHD thing comes about at least my psych has it so she can help. I’m more worried about whatever else she finds. At the moment I feel like it’s just more labels. I guess it’ll be better in the long run. If we can find the right meds and treatment plans. I trust my psych to know how to work with whatever comes about. Meds do scare me though as they can mess with my bipolar and cause mania. But I need to stop worrying about it as I don’t find anything out until tomorrow.

If I’m too much it’s ok to say so.

@Captain24 hehe yeah I probably look like an awkward gazelle or something lol

I used to not do me, shoulda seen me back in the day! Heels, dresses, also shoulder length blonde hair funnily enough, make up and the whole shebang! Been a journey hey. But I much, much prefer other people hating me than me hating me.

Nah luckily neurons don't work like that. No damage! It's more like... they're stuck in habits that once kept you safe, but now have become more hindrance than help. You may not have rearranged your house in a while lol but it's a bit like that - you're rearranging your neurons, but it's gonna take time to get used to the new setup and become habitually accustomed to it!

Yeah darlin fingers crossed for a helpful appt!! We can totally catch up about it over the weekend if you like.

Nah you're good 😋

It sounds like 2 completely different lives @Jynx. it must have been a really hard journey.

How do I change them? Can they be changed? I don’t seem to learn anything how do I expect my brain to. I’ve just lost all hope. I constantly feel sick. I constantly feel nothing. I constantly feel miserable. I constantly feel not ok. How does that mean I can change them? I can’t change myself? I can’t get better?