I can’t cope

No need to be sorry @Captain24, and please do NOT stop being vocal about it!!

This:

I brought it up to you specifically because I wanted you to know that it is a good thing that you do! In the bizz we'd call it a 'protective factor' because it is a way you are protecting yourself from harm!!

I'm sending hugs to that part of you that feels ashamed, and I now speak to it directly:

It's okay. It's a good thing to let our Captain express herself when she needs to, even the big scary thoughts - and it will never make her any less valuable or worthy, nor will it ever mean she can't be part of this community. I know you want to protect her, but this is not one of the parts of her life she needs protection from 💜

Ooh what is the series? If you feel like an emotional rollercoaster, you should watch Arcane - I'm obsessed!

It’s La Palma. It’s an idyllic island in Spain with a volcano. I think it erupts and causes a tsunami. @Jynx. It’s kinda giving me Dante Peak vibes. I’m only 15 minutes in.

I feel the need for something sad and devastating.

You sending me some special memes. They mean a lot.

I think I’ve turned people away with being so vocal.

I actually wish something was actually wrong today. But I’ll leave the rest of it off here. No vocalising it. Just take from it what you will.

@Captain24 Well Arcane certainly is that! Very intense, gut-wrenching show. It does have a character with pretty severe mental health issues, so if you want something sad and devastating that doesn't have the potential to hit too close to home, mayyyybe wait on watching it. But I do like the notion that sometimes, emotive media gives us an outlet to be able to express/process some emotions within the safety of it being a fantasy. E.g. watching a horror movie is a 'safe' way to experience high levels of anxiety - and can even help us with our distress tolerance and regulation skills I reckon!

Yo, I've turned SO MANY people away with my intense emotions. That is 100% about their capacity to sit with uncomfortableness, and NOTHING to do with your emotions being 'too much' or anything like that. I still struggle with this one my own self, cos I got BIG EMOTIONS lol. But it helps me, to be able to remind you, because then it reminds me too 😋

Ahh, is it the classic... "Hmm... everything is okay... that seems... SUSPICIOUS..."

Or is it more of a "It feels like there's emotions that wanna come out but they're locked just below the surface and I need something to go wrong to trigger them"?

@Captain24 I watched that mini series last over the weekend, it was really good!

Im not sure that I’m stable enough for that at the moment. @Jynx. I’ll have to look into it though.

It means if there was something wrong then it would stop the want to do it myself.

It’s looking alright @Bow. I hope you enjoy your holiday. I’m wishing for you for a white Christmas!

@Captain24 wise thoughts! Hence me wanting to be very clear about the content of the show - I'd hate for you to come back tomorrow just like WHY JYNX WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME TO WATCH THAT 🤣🤣

Ahh yep, I think I understand. You're feeling unsteady or 'on the precipice' if you will, and you know instigating anything yourself would likely lead to shame spiralling, so if it comes from somewhere else it would feel more... legit? Or at least, less likely to trigger shame. Am I getting warmer?

I used to have all sorts of fantasies about horrible things happening to me. It's pretty painful. I think for me, it was cos my brain had convinced itself that I had no reason to feel as horrible as I did, so if something traumatic and terrible happened to me, I'd finally have a justification for being a big ball of despair. Is that resonating with your experiences?

Also, if you think continuing to chat about it is potentially gonna push you outside your window of tolerance please let me know! You can always tap out of a convo if it is becoming too intense, and you know I always got a back pocket full of random topics we can ramble about. You just let me know 😉

You are getting really warm @Jynx. I’ve had the same thoughts. If something would just take me out then it’d be easier. Plus looking for legit reasons as to why my life is so shit.

My window of tolerance is shattered into tiny little pieces! It’s long gone. I haven’t been in it for days.

It’s too late I am too far gone already. It’s ok it wasn’t this conversation. I’m kinda wishing I was the other guy. I’m a little concerned and I haven’t heard the helicopter come in.

@Captain24 I think it might be the wrong time to list all the very legitimate reasons your life is difficult. I wouldn't say it's shit though - even if it does feel like it right now. But yeah I guess I am trying to highlight that wanting some external force to come in and err... mess us up, is a normal human experience, and not a mark of someone who is (as I used to think of myself) 'effed in the head'.

Do you have brain space to maybe try to think back to when you were doing window of tolerance and emotional regulation stuff at the clinic, see if you can remember any coping tips or strategies you could lean into?

Maybe they didn't need it cos he stabilised! It's not fun to sit with uncertainty, but sometimes we do just have to tell ourselves the nice story, and try to re-focus on our own needs.

Oh it really feels like it @Jynx. I don’t see any good. Plus the indigestion is back. I hate my life. Do you know how deeply I wish I wasn’t here.

All I remember is the feelings of flight/fight and in the window. Mostly it’s self care to bring myself back in. But I’m past the self care space.

There is no way he would survive in our hospital. It wasn’t the regular means. They weren’t sure he would make it if they got him out.

I guess I’ll know in a few days.