I can’t cope

You sound deflated @Captain24

I've just been reading through your past posts. I read about your brother and your parents don't seem to 'get it'?

Why can he stay with them?

Yeah.. very deflated @tyme.

I’ve been trying so hard and was getting somewhere now I’ve gone backwards.

There house is a mess. It’s like a semi hoarders house and it is literally falling down. The kitchen cupboards are falling off the wall. Mum is ashamed and won’t let anyone go in there. Plus the room that they would bed to stay in is full of junk.

It’s just expected. So much is always expected of me. I’m not good enough or strong enough. But I have to do what is wanted.

Awww @Captain24 ,

How come this prodigal son is back in everyone's life? It wasn't all that long ago that he went 'astray'...

Sorry if I missed it, but how long is he supposedly staying with you?

I can see how frustrating and invalidating this whole situation sounds.

It’s because of his girlfriend, she is trying to get him more involved @tyme. I’m not sure when they are coming or for how long.

Im stressing and don’t even know any details. My psych is really concerned about it. She is hoping that he comes after our next appointment so she can prepare me.

Im scared that their stupid dog will hurt mine. Im scared that my brother is going to my dogs. I’m scared that my niece and boyfriend are going to come too. Im just scared

That's a lot of stuff up in the air @Captain24

It sounds like being in control of your surroundings is something you thrive on. No wonder all these big feelings are coming up for you.

Maybe it's about you setting some clear guidelines? Remember, your house is YOUR safe space.

What does 'scared' look like or feel like to you?

They don’t do boundaries @tyme. They are too self-centred and narcissistic to care. They walk all over me and I allow it as I can’t stand up to them.

Im legitimately scared for my dogs safety.

As for me it’s the concern of how I cope. It’s fear of where it will lead me mentally. It’s the major worry of the damage they can do.

Then there is the expectation that I have to feed them all. Whether it’s dinner at my house that I’ll have to do all the work for and pay for. Whether we go out to dinner which will be expected that I pay for. Then they drink so they’ll be up until late. It doesn’t work for my meds or my sleep hygiene. Mum will go home and only come when something is on. I’ll be stuck with them the whole time.

Even the thought is putting thoughts into my head.

@Captain24 if you can't fully stand up to them, malicious compliance is your friend. There's a whole subreddit for it if you wanna know what it's all about but in your case -

They expect you to provide food every night? Buy a bunch of cheapo frozen pizzas. Drinks? Get the cheapest crappiest vodka you can find. They expect a comfy sleeping space? Throw a pile of sheets on the couch.

As long as you're bending over backwards to accommodate them, they're going to think a) you want and are happy to do so and b) they will have a really nice time and want to come back.

If you make their stay unbearable, but still do so in a way where you're not actually arguing with them or being oppositional (even though you should be allowed to be, cos it's YOUR BLOODY HOUSE), then they won't be able to complain, but they might be less inclined to come back next year.

Food for thought.

It’s really getting to me and I don’t even know when they are coming. @Jynx .

This is stupid and detrimental to myself but I’m just too nice to make it uncomfortable. I refuse to buy alcohol. I don’t drink and I don’t even really like it when people drink around me. He is an alcoholic though so there is not stopping the drinking.

I’m going to try and get my parents to help pay. I do like the sound of pizza night though!!! My brother won’t put in a cent.

@Captain24 I would say that is less to do with your resolve and more to do with the fact that it is family. Being around our family of origin tends to put us right back into our childhood patterns and narratives. I often get frustrated when I visit family, because sometimes it feels like all the work I've put into my recovery goes out the window, and I'm 8 years old again crying from frustration.

So it's not stupid, and it's not that you're 'too nice' (no such thing, you're the perfect amount of nice, it's one of your great qualities). Think of it this way - animals learn their most important survival skills in their earliest years. These get wired into neural pathways which become patterns of behaviour. When you were little, it sounds like you had to appease everyone else, or you'd get yelled at or punished in some way. Now, even though you logically know you don't have to do that, your lizard brain is still gonna scream at you and say 'but NO can't do that or we will be on our own and that means DEATH'.

Breaking out of these habits is hard, but not impossible. Maybe this xmas is just about enduring, but by next xmas, you could have more inner resources and resilience to be able to stand up to them - even just a little bit. It kinda becomes about teaching our survival system that we can in fact alter our behaviours, and when the outcome is that you get relief instead of pain, your survival system will start rewiring.

Did I explain that in a way that made sense?

OH also!! I wanted to offer a thought to you, it occurred to me last night - re: your safety plan and coping tools stuff - would it maybe help to go trawling through all the resources in the Toolshed? I know there's stuff in there about coping tools and like 'how to boost serotonin' and stuff like that, so could be a good place to get some inspiration. Side note: this is probably an activity best done when you're regulated, or with your psych!!

Yep.. when I’m with them I'm that 8 year old again. The one in the veranda trying to be good because mum was saying she didn’t want us, she never wanted to see us again, she didn’t deserve to have such horrible children. I’m that 8 year old that is trying to be loved. @Jynx. This is the memory that got rescripted

I know it’s different but my mum still says some of that stuff. If I don’t make sure everyone is happy or if my brother and I disagree it’ll all come out. I hope that makes more sense of the situation. I am that little girl trying to do the right thing and appease everyone.

Hopefully I get strong enough in the next 12 months. My psych will help. Hopefully she can help at the next session. Just to get me through. She is deeply concerned as she said I very rarely talk about my brother and she obviously knows the situation with my parents.

Im not sure I’m in the right head space. My head space is really dark right now. Dangerously dark. Worse than last night dark.