I can’t cope

I’m sitting at the beach just crying. On the walk down here I cried and ran into other patients. So embarrassing.

So the reason that I couldn’t leave earlier is because the Pdoc that signed me out last night isn’t my doctor. All my paperwork says another doctor (the one I had last time). They contacted the Dr on my paperwork and she isnt my doctor this time. So much for continuity of care.

I came back because I was comfortable with her. She was great and I wanted to show her what i achieved. But as usual I’m just not good enough for anyone. I go from the best dr to the worst.

I just want to go home.

I get back and the nurse that knew I left crying was the one to sign me back in, he didn’t even check on me.

Also my meds got stuffed up last night and not all of them are written down. So I’m not getting the right meds. It’ll be interesting as to what I get tonight.

Im not even worth getting meds right.

I know I'm not important and I know that I am nothing but I thought this place would treat me a little better.

It’s really doing a number on me.

Im really wanting to go home.

hey @Captain24 i hear that admission isn't going too well for you at the moment. i know the feeling of things just not going your way one after the other, it can bring us down but perhaps this just a bit of bad luck?

you are important. bad things happen to important people too though, so this things that are going wrong isn't a reflection of you and your value! is there someone you can speak to about getting the same doctor as before and how you're feeling about this?

i'm sitting with you. 💗

It’s hard @rav3n. I’m just crushed. I’ve got nothing. I feel sick.

Why does everything always go wrong? I’m just in such a bad headspace that I can’t see forward just giving up.

Groups start tomorrow. I’m not sure I’m up for it. I don’t know if I can go.

I did just do yoga.

sorry you feel that way @Captain24, i know its tough looking forward when you're in a bad headspace. i can see today's taken a lot out of you - hopefully a good night sleep will re-energise you for tomorrow. and perhaps a change of luck might occur tomorrow too.

how was yoga?

don't forget that you can always reach out to these services as well, i'll just paste it down here so you can scroll to it easily if you decide to reach out tonight:

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

Hey @Captain24 - aww I'm sorry to hear that about your niece. It's so tough when people we care about drift away from us. How old is she? Maybe she'll come looking for ya, or you could seek a closer relationship once she's a bit older (and less beholden to her parents' desires, aka can make her own decision to visit you for instance).

It's also really rough to hear that you're feeling so unsettled and having some regrets! I think @Ru-bee nailed it in highlighting that your autonomy has been taken away. I think it's so fair to feel a deep sense of rage, frustration, to have a yearning to escape and scurry home where it feels safe and familiar.

I'm also hearing that your brain is making a lot of assumptions, and drawing very intense, black & white conclusions about your sense of worth, based on a few lil random occurrences. I do acknowledge that self-reassurance is a lot harder when we're already dysregulated, but I'd encourage you to just take a moment to pause and reflect on whether these conclusions about your lack of worth or being unimportant are actually based in reality. And if you're struggling to reassure yourself, asking for external reassurance is always an option. Because you ARE important, you ARE worthy of support, and you absolutely deserve to be there, and to be cared for when you need it most!

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day @rav3n. I won’t stick it out for long if something doesn’t change.

Yoga was good. I haven’t really done it before. I only did it because a facilitator was doing it and I really like her support and her groups last time I was here.

Hey @Jynx

My niece is 21. I don’t see her coming back. I guess she will appreciate me when I’m dead. She is like her father so I don’t have much hope. She doesn’t have a relationship with mum and dad either. She is their only grandchild. This is when I feel guilty for not having a kid. I’ve let them down.

I’ve just seen the Pdoc. I am under her care for now. She doesn’t know if I’m her patient or not. She can tell that I don’t like her. I told her I want to go home. She told me to wait and see how things pan out. I told her I sat down at the beach and just cried. She just kept saying I know, I know, I get it, I get it.

I told her how I felt not worthy of being here.

I can’t change my thought process. I’m really struggling. I’m really not ok. I’m scared I’m not going to be able to do this. What if I let everyone down? What if I let you all down?

@Captain24 I know it's cos of where you're at mentally (so no judgement!) but I am hearing a lot of finality in your words, like, a lot of very conclusive statements that seem to be based solely on your feelings instead of on logic. That's so normal, considering where you're at! So please try to remember that the thoughts do NOT represent absolute truth, they're more likely just little panicked thoughts from your lizard-brain survival system not knowing how to protect you from your current distress. Thanks lizard brain, yay! Except, you know, the opposite of yay 😓

I know it's sooooo, SO hard to change our thought process sometimes, so if you can't shake yourself out of it in this moment, that's okay. I'd very much like to return to this convo about your niece, but maybe another time yeah? I know for me, it's oh-so-easy to spiral if I start thinking about the Big Stuff (like family and relationships) when I'm already dysregulated... and then I often come to (faulty) conclusions that result in me doing something rash and usually end up making myself feel worse. I hope that's okay with you hun 💜

I also wanna fully acknowledge how this ongoing uncertainty and lack of familiar faces would be adding to your distress! 'Is this your pdoc? Are these your meds? We don't know! Okay see ya!' My fingers and toes are crossed that tomorrow is better, and they get their crap together so they can give you some solid answers. And please remember - the reason I've pointed out all these little bits n bobs that would be contributing to your distress is to remind you that it's perfectly reasonable for you to be feeling how you're feeling, and feeling this way is not an indication of failure or unworthiness, nor is it entirely because of you; there's many factors influencing your mood right now and they're all very valid reasons!

Oh snap, it's nearly 10pm!! I will bid you adieu my dear, sending you some very chill snoozle vibes, and a big squishy huggle! May tomorrow be easier on you 🤞🫂💜

Hi @Captain24 just dropping by with some love and really hoping today is better for you.

I'm in hospital too but hoping to go home soon. It does get better.