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I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor16 June 2022, 9:48 pm AEST

I can’t cope

Hi. I’m new and have never been in anything like this before.
I’m really struggling with depression at the moment and just need a place to vent.
there is no reason as to why I feel this way. I just hate myself and feel like I’m an unworthy and useless person. I don’t have a partner or many friends. I feel like I keep pushing them away when I’m down. I’m just not worthy of them. I hate life and just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so much emotional pain inside but numb at the same time. None of this makes any sense but it just how I feel.

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In response to: I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 10:45 am AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Hi @PizzaMondo

How are you?

I do see it as connection and I have people on messenger but after being in hospital with people around I’ve discovered I need people in

my life. I just don’t know how to find them.

I’m a fairly small country town so there is no social groups, all volunteer groups are older people. There is no way of finding people. Plus I have that concrete wall which I struggle with letting down. That’s my own fault.

It was ok in the hospital as I felt safe, not judged and everyone just got it. I made some good friends but they are all 4 hrs away. So even interacting with them is hard.

I don’t want anyone in my life full time as I am a loner and like to have my own space. I do have one friend who I have lunch with occasionally, I’d like to make it more often. I also have my best friend that I talk to but she lives in Melbourne.

Sorry, you didn’t ask for all that!

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

SnowieSenior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 11:22 am AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Good morning @Captain24

I hope you enjoyed your shower. Totally understand the 'shaving your legs without permission'. Had to do that too plus only turn on the hot tap. Also nice just to charge my laptop without having to ask for it to be done.

I think it is ok to enjoy your own company. Nothing wrong with it. We are all different and have different needs. Some people need to be around others a lot whilst others prefer to keep to themselves.

I hope today is going well for you hon 💗💗

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 11:58 am AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

A hot shower and shaving was great! @Snowie. We could charge anything in our rooms.

I think I’ll just organise more time with the friend I have in town and chat

more to my bestie. I am considering joining the gym though. I’m not sure that I’m confident enough yet.

I’ve done everything I can do. I just need to bring the washing in when it’s dry and mow the front lawn but I have a psych appointment in halfa. So the lawn will have to wait.

Im struggling with giving up smoking again so I’m feeling a little testy at the moment.

I hope you are having a good day.

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

SnowieSenior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 12:05 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

@Captain24 I could only have cords that were less than 10cm in my room. All others were kept at the nurses station.

You have done a lot already for today. I hope your psych appt. goes well hon.

Giving up smoking would be such a struggle. It can bring up so many different emotions. I know a lot of will power is needed.

It's good that you have a few friends you can still chat too.

With the people you met in the hospital, do they have a chat group through messenger or something like that?

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 12:28 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

It was pretty easy going where I was. It wasn’t really a hospital it was a clinic @Snowie. There was only a gp onsite half a day. One girl had an ear infection and she wouldn’t look at it.

It’s so hard but I gave up before I went in so I can do it again.

We have a messenger group so that’s good. Plus some message me privately as well. We are going to organise catch ups!

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

SnowieSenior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 12:35 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Well the main thing was that you got lots from it @Captain24 That you came out better than when you went in. That's the most important thing.

You can do it again if needed hon. You know it helped the first time so it can help again.

I'm glad to hear that you are keeping in contact with some others. It is so good when we can talk to people that "get" us. Catch ups will be really good too.

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 2:23 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Some want to come out here to see the place so that will be nice @Snowie.

Im really tired after my appointment. I really need a nap but I have to wait until my parents get home so they can help me get Jetts bandages off. I’m exhausted.

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

SnowieSenior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 2:27 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Thats so nice that some want to come out to you @Captain24

I get tired after my appt. too. I think that is normal.

If you can't have a nap then hopefully you can just have some quiet time.

I hope taking Jetts bandages off goes ok.

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

PizzaMondoSenior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 3:12 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Firstly, please don't apologise! Yes I didn't ask for all that @Captain24 - but I am glad you were able to share it at the same time 🙂 So thank you!

(I'm going to answer everything backwards to your post.. sorry, it's just how it makes sense to me right now!)

Firstly, I like that you know and are comfortable in having your own space and need that time also. I can relate to this also - but know at the same time my needs may slightly differ because I love to chat and exchange ideas with others - so it's important for me to have people to connect with that thrive in similar ways when thinking about 'how we connect'.

Do you and your best friend ever video call eaxh other? I feel that seeing the otehr on video (especially when they don't live close by) creates a sense of security and comfort, kinda like you're both actually there in the present and hanging out (even though it's basically just that!) Sometimes with my friends back in QLD we'll just put our camera's on a video call but continue to do what we were doing.. e.g. cook dinner/chores around the home and not even talk - the company can be nice 😛

I apply this to the friends you made in hospital too. Did you grab each other's contacts, numbers, social media so you could keep in touch?

I hear you on the fact that you live in a place where there are limited ways for you to connect through and with your direct community - but I am proud to read your acknowledgement of having a concrete wall up and struggles to let it down. I wonder whether identifying and acknowledging why they are so high, may allow you to reach out to the current people in your life without applying distance as an issue. I say this because.. right now, you and I are interacting online - and you're able to express these things to me.. what would it feel like to have a similar relationship with the people you met in hospital, or to ask your best friend if you can have weekly chats (if they have the capacity!)

And finally - you asked me how I am - I am doing well today thank you for asking @Captain24 🙂 I have a cup o' tea with me and because I am working, keep forgetting it's there so have re-heated it already 2 times 😛 cold tea = ewww (unless it's iced tea, yum!)

In response to: Re: I can’t cope

Captain24Senior Contributor25 Mar 2024, 4:02 pm AEDT

Re: I can’t cope

Thanks for responding @PizzaMondo

We do video call each other occasionally but usually she is driving when we chat. It’s mostly the only time she is free!

The friends I made while I was away are in messenger so someone posts most days. I don’t have anyone’s number though.

I know I have the walls it’s part of trauma I discovered. I now need to gradually bring them down. I need to learn to trust in people. My mind tells me that the barrier is keeping my safe but its not helpful and doesn’t keep me safe it’s detrimental to my MH

I hope you finally got your hot cup of tea

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