Went back for help today

I have been struggling with anxiety that’s has been ok for a while now but started rearing it’s head again a few months ago

So to cut a long story short today I had my first appointment back with a psychologist after couple of years off, and it fucki hurt.

The shame I felt having to admit that things aren’t going well when I keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that I’m actually alright. But I’m ok I keep saying, because I want them to think I am, because everything has been going well for so long it should stay that way, and also I don’t want people to think I’m unhappy because I’m not I love my life. I have everything I want. it’s tiring but I have everything I want with my family and my job, I’m happy that’s not what the problem is. I don’t want people to think I’m not happy with my life and that I’m miserable. I’m not miserable.

I just feel so shit. Like, why did I go there today? Sharing all that stuff about me. It’s too vulnerable. I just want to hide from the world now.

I spoke to my partner about it as she works in this field, ironically. (With much younger people than me).
She described it as like a vulnerability hangover and I think that’s kinda interesting.

Anyway, I went for a swim at the pool tonight which I haven’t done in maybe a year or more. It helped a bit but I’m still thinking about today.

I’m not sure I want to show my face there again, just knowing what they know about me now because of what I shared, it feels too much.