Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

angel_wingsContributor08 Oct 2016, 5:20 pm AEDT

Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

I have no idea anymore whats wrong with me.. I pretend im doing better as i know evryone is sick of me being this way, i have severe depression, anxiety, addictions and on and off suicidal thoughts. I am currently mid way through coming off a couple of my meds, tranquilizers and opiates... i have been doing it with the doctors advice, at my suggestion... when on them i was just sooo tired, but it also got to a dangerous stage of huge doses mixed with other stuff and alcohol. I managed a little over a year ago to quit drinking, and now need to get off these as i am so lucky to be alive after the huge doses i took. I would have a pill, then have no recollection of whether or not i just had one, so would have another.. i was also suicidal alot of that time, so guess i really didn;t care.
I decided to get off this merry-go-round I have been on for the past 8 years since depression hit again, and I feel no matter how hard I try and I getting no where. My therapists etc all think im doing fine, but I don't know whats happening to me anymore. I have sat on the couch for pretty much the entire last year unless i HAVE to go to appts. I find it hard to do absolutely anything. I seldom eat, which i know would help me, BUT i have no energy or will really to do so... that is the problem i think, a huge lack of energy, constant exhaustion, due to not eating or exercising.
I look at the person I was before this and its hard to believe it was me. I just sit, stare into space thinking over and over things until they make no sense at all. I am conflicted between wanting my life to change, but not having the energy or WILL to change it and wanting to just give up as I am sick of it all and its been going on so long, and i am tired.
I have family that love me, and would hate to hurt them, as we have already lost close family (which lead to this bout of depression amongst other things). I know part of the problems at the moment are due to withdrawal symptoms, so trying to ride it out, but in reality, I have been this way since before i started to come off my meds. I am still taking anti-depressants which for now i will stay on, but need to get rid of the dangerous and huge addictions to the others I have. I find myself cheating myself quite often as its too hard to not have them, but on the whole have been doing pretty ok, and are on only half the dosage I was before. But it seriously IS HARD... i have no idea how to deal with emotions.. so when anything comes up that brings a feeling of pain, hurt or anxiety, i cheat and have extra tablets, which is stupid as I know its prolonging this. I don't know what to do anymore, have no one except counsellors etc to talk to and honestly tell how i feel as i told my family i was over the suicidal feeling, but i still feel its pull. Im not going to act on it and am safe at the moment.. but am sooooo over sitting here not being alive or having a life, just sitting the day out waiting to sleep once more. then the next day and the next is exactly the same... help me please someone, i don;t understand myself anymore.... i feel like i am so useless, well, im sure a lot of you know the feelings.... i just don;t know how to get better, when i can't evern make it off the couch. I look outside and a year ago used to spend everyday out there (yes drinking and smoking) but now i can't even go out there. I have been in my backyard which i love ONCE in an entire year... what is the point, seriously, this is NOT LIVING....

3 replies

1 - 3 of 3

In response to: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 5:32 pm AEDT

Re: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

Hi @angel_wings

I am not in the best place to respond to you right now but wanted you to know you are definately not alone. I can identify with much of what you say about being on that fine line between wanting to live or not and the part about being alive but not living. My battle has only been 5 years but some days it feels forever. I will respond more when I'm in a better headspace than I'm currently in but wanted to say hang in there, there are plenty of us experiencing something similar. Take care 💜💐

In response to: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 8:43 pm AEDT

Re: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

Hello @angel_wings

I love your use-name. And in time you will find yours and fly free - that's the point.

Everything you have described - the lack of energy and lack of will is due mainly to the physical and psychological addictions over the years and now also the withdrawal. It can take a several years for the withdrawal to be over and for the body to heal - but you will gradually start to feel better over time. You will have bad days and good - but eventually the good days will get more frequent and the bad days less. All in time. Keep going.

When you mix anti-depressants with alcohol and illicit drugs the ADs will not work - this mix will make you feel worse. For the ADs to work effectively, and for you to heal satisfactorily abstinence is essential. You have taken that first step - well done.

The key to success is to learn to deal with emotions/life face on without avoidance through substance abuse. Learning to utilise healthier coping strategies. Baby steps - one day at a time. It will be hard as life was not meant to be easy - but ever so worth it in the end. The love, moments of content, relationships and purpose along the way makes the fight worthwhile. Keep the end result and this vision firmly in your mind on the rough days and be determined to continue.

The more we divert from reality and pain the less we are able to cope with life and our inner growth is stunted. The will becomes weak as it has not be exercised and strengthened. When we allow ourselves to feel the pain and deal with it effectively we grow in inner strength and compassion. We find who we truly are.

Talk to people about how you truly feel my friend and put into place strategies of dealing with your emotions without drugs. The more you do this the less threatening and painful those emotions become and the freer your spirit will become. As your physical body begins to heal this will also strengthen your mind as the two work together. Exercise and healthy eating/lifestyle - together with drinking a lot of water will fasten your healing. Together with seeing a psychologist to work on your psychological issues. Open up to friends/family and talk honestly about how you are feeling. Don't hold anything in anymore.

Hold onto hope always as yes it will be hard for awhile but the end result will be worth it. As in time you will get yourself back and enjoy the freedom and beauty of not only your backyard again but the whole world to explore. But more importantly you will find you.

In response to: Re: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Oct 2016, 8:52 pm AEDT

Re: Alive but not living... i know this is long, but pls read, i need help

I think it is a huge thing that you are clear about limiting addictive substances. You have turned a few corners, and made commitments to live, even if it doesnt feel like a lot has happened.

Yes it takes a long time to get over addictions and start finding who you are without them and the people who may still fall into those behaviours. Sometimes we need to find a completely new peer and social group, other times we have the control to manage ourselves within the same group.

Whilst on heavier levels of meds I find it hard to move ... it is partly the meds ... but you can start imagining ... how you want things to be ...

... and remembering the good things that you still want as part of your life ... interests, activities and people, that were positive ... with a bit more sustenance .. than short-lived Fun Times.

Give yourself credit @angel_wings for taking charge and shifting your direction.

As time unfolds you will be more clear about what is actually important to you.

Even if it is just frustration with myself .. annoyance at SELF and then NOTE TO SELF to get up and doing things .. little plans ... or getting out ...

Be kind to you

1 - 3 of 3