Why can't I change this?

Hey everyone, I'm just checking in for a bit of company as things are getting on top of me at the moment. That business with the magpies the other day has left me feeling spooked. I wish I could say it might have been a good omen, but it didn't feel that way. I can't get out of this mess and it's just a matter of time until I can't take any more of this nightmare. It's not just the isolation, which is enough trauma by itself, but the many betrayals I've been subjected to continue to play on my mind, always bubbling away just under the surface. Nothing will ever turn them off from replaying and bubbling to the surface, so the distress plays on, all the time. It's the damned injustice of it all and the pain it causes.

I rang a chat line earlier today but my phone just kept cutting out before I got connected. I didn't want to talk about my problems, just the opportunity to talk for a while. To feel human.

An audience member on a television program several nights ago was talking on a similar subject–scams. He said lies are like rats. When you find one, you know there are lots of others. How true. My relationship with my ex-psy–and my family–keeps unravelling in my mind. I can't stop it. The lies, the treachery, the betrayals, the duplicity. I don't know how anyone can do that to another. If I was given the opportunity to offload all of this on another, I like to think I'd decline. Could I look at another person whose life had been hell already to the extent that their personality was extensively damaged, fix it, get them to trust me implicitly, promise them a better life path, then betray them when there was no chance they could recover? And help all others to do the same to me? I hope not. Even in my lowest times, I really don't think I could do it and walk away with my head held high. I'd be living with it for the rest of my days. None of them have a twinge of conscience.

I'll never fit in anywhere. I've tried everything already. I don't self-sabotage–my situation just makes me a sitting duck for other's abuse and I just can't take anymore of it. I am in such pain. I'm hoping for a heart attack which would fix everything.

I just want a little bit of happiness. I hurt so badly. I don't trust anyone in the real world. I just wait to see what calamity they will inflict on me next.

No e-mails, please. I'm still safe.