I miss my husband...now, I wonder if he had suffered a mental illness

I met my husband in 1996/97 and I was hugely attracted to him because he had been someone who had been broken and wanting to better his life. I have suffered from anxiety and a little depression all my life and I was drawn to people who were similar.

But my husband was different. He had struggled with severe substance abuse and I knew nothing about substance abuse. He was able to overcome it all, which was amazing

We eventually married and I believe we both grew as a couple, supporting one another and understanding one another. We both got good jobs, bought a home, started a garden, and got involved in volunteer activities

While we may have been happy together, we suffered some great tragedies, which were out of our control, infertility, loss of a baby, other traumas whereby husband lost family members, his siblings going to prison, family dysfunction, etc.

In 2016, my husband literally walked out the door, after telling me to go outside to get the washing from the line. It was five months after my mum passed away.

His behaviour changed radically. He didn't want to talk to me, or ask questions, while he was leaving. He was angry, and had previously shaved his head. And, only a week before started slapping me and getting angry with me. In all our married life, he never laid a finger on me. He blocked me from facebook, and his mobile so I could not contact him. He called the police on me and told them I was harrassing him, when I was only wanting answers and for a chance to sit with him over a cup of coffee and talk about why he had suddenly left me.

The long story short, he was on his way to another country to meet this other woman and wanted to marry her. He seemed to lose touch with reality, becoming obsessed with this new country and culture. He could be a little like this in personality, easily fixated on hobbies and other cultures, etc. But, when you are in the marriage, you just accept the person as they are and you never expect them to chase their dreams.

He virtually just disappeared and travelled o/s, gave up his job, got a Credit card and spent $$$$ on travelling to this country, staying in fancy air bnb's, motels(one motel resembled a motel in the movie, "Somewhere in time'(this was a fav movie of ours).

When i tried to contact him, he would scream at me and tell me to leave him alone. He said he was following his dreams now, and felt trapped in the marriage. His behaviour became quite strange. He had stopped sleeping(he had told me that) and believed he had found his dream woman.

This behaviour continued for some time. He had no remorse for me or the fact I was broken hearted because i had lost my greatest friend and love. He met up with strange people overseas and, i remember him telling me he sat on a beach with a stranger, eating fruit.

He then divorced me and quickly replaced me with another woman and married her soon after.

We had been together for a very long time and i could not imagine life without him. He suddenly had no care for my struggles, or where i would live (told me to get a home beside a river). He virtually turned into a monster.

I have had some minimal email contact with him. He remarried and is working in Australia, and spends all of his waking time painting outside. He says he is very happy because he is following his dream and now wants to live in a house with no windows. He latches on to strange, creative people, talks on social media about being more like a 20 year old then a man who is nearly 50. He sleeps very rarely, works all night, paints in the day, flirts with numerous women(even though married) and does not care about the lie we shared together. He never sees his mother and has moved on from all the friends we had together and his friends who were once close to him.

He dresses like a young man, which makes me think this is a MLC, but he is very odd in his thinking and ideas.

i am a stranger to him. He says, 'you're just a friend, someone i know".

At one stage, he wanted to buy land in the bush and have an old home put on it. He is up and down in moods and has a tonne of energy. He can paint a beautiful landscape in 30 minutes.

i still love the man I was married to. I am on my own now and often wonder what happened. Of course, he blames me for all of his unhappiness and says he was unhappy in our 18 year marriage.

i wasn't perfect but i loved him and supported him through all the loss, grief, etc.

i look back now and wonder if he did have a mental illness. My dr feels he could bipolar(his mother has major depressive illness/manic episodes and his brother has agitated depression.

When i first met him, he was overcoming herion addiction and told me he once contimplated jumping from a bridge.

But there were many years of us together where he was well and happy.

He did have impulsiveness towards gambling but we were able to get help for him.

iI miss him and just wonder if I could have done more.

Some days I blame myself for failing him.